Today, my Playlist randomly picked that old hymn, “it is well with my soul” (albeit a version by Kristene of Bethel Music 🎶) and it was my first time hearin' the song since a couple of months.
Every time I have heard that song in the past, I’ve intentionally checked out. It’s the song that more than any other holds the power to take me to a place the way only a song can; as if I’m really there again - freshly mint graduate 🎓 covered in acne and scared shitless by her own feelin' of confusion.
It would take me half a decade to understand what was goin' on with me then, that it was completely and utterly normal, every feelin' of grief I had at the time, includin' relief. So normal. But I didn’t know it. I loathed myself and I loathed the world for movin' on without me. Loathin' was all I knew.
This gorgeous old song transported me to a time so enveloped in despair it actually suffocated me. Then today I’m layin' in bed when I hear that familiar tune and without a single thought in my head I found myself runnin' towards the sound rather than away. I found myself now sittin' while the song played on and lettin' every note wash over me, every word sinkin' deeply into my bein'
And there in that moment, I was good. I felt so good. Oblivious of my thoughts 💠in the last few minutes. The only feelin' in that moment was one of the deepest gratitude because I’m finally at a place in my life where I actually relate to those words, “it is well with my soul.” It really truly is. I am deeply and completely at peace from head to toe. And nothin' could be more than that. Because it has absolutely nothin' to do with “time healin' all wounds.” That’s not even a true sentiment.
To work your way from undone and alone and terrified and clueless to pure delight in life itself. That’s the warrior’s journey. It is not time that makes things okay deep in our souls. It is the great work of God in our lives. It’s toilin' and tendin' and survivin' and blood, sweat, and tears. It is the path of a brave warrior.
If you’re at despair today, I want you to know there’s hope, so much hope. You are not alone and this cloud 🌥 won’t always be there. It shall pass!
Someday, someday soon, the showers of grace will rain down on you and will make everythin' new again. That pain may never be transformed into somethin' painless. It will most likely always hurt. But you’ll teach yourself to tend to the pain. It’s not anybody else’s duty to help you move past what’s so personal to you. Eventually all that tendin' and toilin' will lead you to wellness. A wellness so deep and so real and so true it’s indescribable except to sing, “it is well with my soul.”
