Lately, I have received several calls and reminders that soon it’d
be my birthday again. And this time, one of those milestone ages for that
matter. I look at my life so far and I am filled gratitude. I am particularly thankful
for a blessed year and hopeful a replica and even better in the comin’ years. I
look upon my life from yesteryears to see how far I am from the kid I was and
how much I am changin’ too; these words come to mind – fear, weak, dull. As a
child, I was so timid and always so afraid. Shyness basically controlled my
life and tormented me. It was the demon that clinched so tight it sucked the
life out of me and followed me into adulthood.
I didn’t want to be seen and you would barely even notice me but my
screamin’ silence always eventually drew attention. I was so shy and
embarrassed to speak, much less, greet people around. During the day, I’d try
so hard to be anywhere but the front or up on a stage and then at night, I’d
make sure my feet do not stick out of the bedcovers and my head peaked out just
enough to keep me from suffocating (I hate to sleep this way, and as with many
other things, I’d literally put myself through pain and discomfort just to be
invisible).
Outside, I’d duck behind people to hide from strangers or pretend to
be lost readin’ a book when people spoke to me. Then there were pictures! Oh, I
dreaded takin’ them. I always stood so immobile in all my personal pictures,
with a look that suggested fear. And if ever we had to take group pictures, I
was sure to find my way behind or at a forgotten corner. As I grew and began to
have the privilege to choose my own seat in school, I’d often take those at the
edges of a third row or further behind; preferably close to the door, so I
could race out as soon as classes were over. And of the several reasons I
wanted to be a pharmacist was the thought that it was one career where I don’t
have to be seen or heard… imagine that! Who thinks that way?
In secondary school, I wouldn’t play sports because I feared the
spotlight it put on those involved. I didn’t mingle with my mates because I
feared they wouldn’t want to keep a friendship with me.
There are many more examples of how timidity was makin’ me stupid
and drawin’ me to a life of mediocrity… but God didn’t let it happen. He took
me instead and put the love of a language so strong in me and that changed the
course of my life. It was a gradual and painful change and it is still
sometimes challengin’ too, but it gets better. Not only did this change give me
exposure and demand that I be outspoken, it brought me in contact with people
whose acquaintance affected my life for good. It also gave me many opportunities
to overcome my overbearin’ timidity.
Though I’m still tryin’ to understand how and why God changed my
life for His purpose, I feel more liberated, equipped and prepared to live life.
Unlike in the past when I was mostly unsure of whatever I did, I now feel
empowered to walk in the destiny of my true identity and unique calling. It’s
been excitin’ to learn and walk daily into the truth of who I am – beyond any
talk or quote from speakers and books. The revelation in the core of my being;
that I am a daughter of the king and part of an unshakeable kingdom has utterly
transformed my being – I know whose I am and who I am.
Now, am I perfect? Absolutely not - I still struggle with shyness
and stage fright but with a better view and a willingness and determination to
conquer it. At least I can say that I am not nearly as I once was because hard
as it may be, I rarely turn down responsibilities now. Plus, I fidget less
before, while and after facing an audience. I serve as a youth leader in my
local church and can confidently lead a worship session. I worked briefly in a
school where I’d have to stand before and talk to a group of pupils and
learnin’ facilitators alike. I’ve had to present papers before my classmates
and lecturers. I’ve learnt to smile and be the first to say hi – it’s still
sometimes frightening and daunting to do that, but it doesn’t hurt.
There are really no hard and fast rules for overcomin’ timidity.
Confidence knocks at the door of your life all the time, but the latch is on
the inside and can only be opened by you. Then allow the freedom and peace that
comes from knowin’ you can be bold and that you are not on your own consume you
and thrust you into a place of absolute surrender. If you want fulfillment in
life beyond what you imagine, you gotta unlatch the door, step out of your
comfort zone into your courage zone and bloom!
