DEPRESSION

I experienced a period of depression last year. Somethin' I have never comprehended before. If you know me personally, you know that though I have a melancholic demure, I am more or less as happy as a puppy in mud. I am perpetually worry-free. All the time. Well, most of the time. I wouldn't say it's because of some zen balance I have or some cheerful wisdom. It is simply my disposition, as given to me as my skin colour or height. I've always been that way. And because of that, I have always struggled to understand depression. I am usually so happy to be alive, so grateful, that depression always seemed an insult to God.

But August 2016 changed that for me. Somethin' happened to my brain, my serotonin or whatever it is called was off on vacation, and I became miserable. I didn't want to get off the bed for my run in the mornings. I couldn't comprehend someone lovin' me. I could neither laugh at House of Payne nor Jenifa's Diary (and if you know me, that's insane). My depression, no, it's not mine. That depression wasn't passive, it wasn't just boredom or an absence of joy... it was a pulsing, active sadness. A mind racin' with misery. This was wholly new to me. My mind was swarmin' with the futility of me. I remember lyin' on the sofa wonderin' "is my brain broken? Is this me now? Is this my life? Is this how I kill myself?"

I don't talk about the devil much. I hate to give him too much press or credit. But sometimes, there's no way around it. He’s got to be called out for who he really is - a liar. He toys with our hearts, messes up our minds with lies. And boy, you' re done for if you believe him. That's what happened to me. I paid attention to him and he did so serve me his lies.

Then came September with quite a handful of heart-wrenchin' news for me. The irony however? That depression, it was over, it ended. I was myself again. As randomly as it had shown up, it left. Though I woke up heartbroken all month long, I gradually felt the beauty of the world return. It was as if God turned his face from me. And then he looked back again and touched me, held me.

I was so amazed by the organ of the human brain. Shaken up really, humbled by its fragility and physicality. We have all these ethereal constructs for self and soul, but take a chemical out of your brain, and you change. Lookin' back one year after, I have new empathy and respect for depression. Well... For the people who lived and died with it. For people who carry that weight. I am amazed by their strength really.

This time last year, I walked into a deep valley that, if I could tell you at the time, I was not prepared to walk through. I look back now and say, "it was for His glory and my good." I am not the same woman that I was a year ago, and judgin' from that experience, I am far from the woman I need to be. But great is His faithfulness unto me, I still bloom!

DECISIONS

If your dad had a farm and worked hard in his youth and planted many crops, and no calamities came to him or his farm, you would grow up with a full belly.

If my dad had a farm and didn't work hard, or fulani herdsmen destroyed everythin' on it, I would grow up hungry.

Either way, you and I didn't earn our beginnings. You didn't earn a successful father any more than I earned an unsuccessful one. We were fated to them.

You, the well fed child, would be strong and perhaps with enough leisure time to develop other skills, ones that make you competitive. You would assume your childhood is what all childhood is like.

I on the other hand would be frail and lookin' for food. My dad may be frail too. I may have to look after him. I may be hardened by the meanness of my fate. I may distrust and therefore refuse to develop any skills.

You may meet me on the playground (though unlikely because we wouldn't go to the same school) and ask why my clothes are dirty. I would be ashamed. You may be kind and successful. I would most likely be hard and sad. Both are a self-affirmin' spiral.

Now imagine this cycle over ten generations. It just repeats itself.

There is a paradox in our thinking: to believe that the efforts or misfortunes of our parents greatly determine our lives (this is logically true), while simultaneously believin' that we come into life on equal footin' and that our successes are ours to boast about.

This seems responsible for the tension in the air. The sins and efforts of the father, the abuse and wealth and crookedness and goodness, all commingled into history. We wake up into life profitin' by, or disadvantaged by, the events of our ancestors. We're proud of some of the things, we ignore others. We stand on the shoulders of great humans and the backs of the enslaved or cheated and yet, here we are, responsible for our own lives, takin' credit for our hard work and our careers, blamin' the junky for his weakness, praisin' the entrepreneur for his work ethic. Ignorin' the puppeteer of history and consequence.

You see, someone once said: when you are born, you look like your parents. When you are old, you really only look like your decisions. Make the right decisions if you wanna bloom.

SAME CALL, DIFFERENT ROUTES

Last week, I got stuck in terrible traffic – traffic so bad it took me almost 30 minutes to go less than ¼ of a mile.

I was on my way for an appointment. Since plyin' that route, traffic has been almost non-existent, so it wasn’t somethin’ I had planned for. I left home with what would have been plenty of time to spare, but due to a messy accident down the road, I found I was cuttin' it close.  And to make matters worse, I absent-mindedly left my phone at home, so I could neither look up a faster route on google map nor contact the person on the other end to let her know I was runnin' late.

At that point, I had to make a decision. I could either sit in that traffic, which would have resulted in me missin' out on my commitment, or I could take the only other route I knew of - a much longer, less direct route. With about 15 minutes to spare, I decided to turn around and go the longer, less convenient way. My flustered, frustrated self, made it there - and right on time too.

Sometimes, I think we find ourselves in similar situations when it comes to followin’ God. God may call us to something, and we commit to answerin' that call. We think we know what we are gettin' into - what the journey will look like. And then, just when we think we have it all together, God makes it clear that our ideal route is not His route. And it’s in those moments that we have a decision to make: we can either miss out on what God ultimately has in store, or we can buckle up and take the longer, harder, holy route.

God can change our course without changin' our call. Let’s be faithful and choose the route He has for us. Even when it’s puzzling. Even when it’s challenging. Even when it’s untimely. Even when it isn’t ours. Don’t miss out on God’s plan if you wish to bloom.

WHEN I SAY IT, I MEAN IT

For most of my life, I was reserved with words like the ones above. not just those, endearin' words too. I wanted it to really mean something, didn’t want to give it away too easily (really gotta make people work for it, you know? LOL) and I certainly didn’t want to waste it on anyone who didn’t love me back. Selfish, not so?

What did such carefulness get me? Only a whole host of habits and practices that kept me “safe” but also blocked almost all of the love that was possible in my life. I was “doing everythin’ right”, but I was trapped in my own little world. It wasn’t until a few years back that I began to tell people how I feel about them. 

When I feel it, I say it. When I say it, I mean it. And when I mean it, I don’t need you to say it or mean it back either. Hearin’ it back feels good, don’t get me wrong. But love isn’t a bargainin’ chip. I don’t need people to love me back in order to love them. Love is its own reward.

Most of us do not need to be more careful with love. We’ve been careful enough. We need to unlock the well of love buried deep within us, the one we left untapped because people told us love was dangerous and wicked and that it would get us into trouble and get our hearts broken.

No doubt, it may get you into trouble. Welcome to life! And yes, it may get your heart broken. That's part of it, that's what love does. It breaks us open. But keepin’ it locked up down is keepin’ you stuck in a tiny little life you don’t even want to be living, trust me. You’ll only come to realize that you’re trapped in a cage you don’t even remember gettin’ in. So, speak the words as often as you mean it. Splash it on that person, just like I'm doin' on this post.

In the perfect words of one of my favourite artists Audrey Assad, "love given freely becomes what it ought to be." I'm not waitin’ around anymore for love to happen to me. I am love and I am happenin’ to me, so much so that I bloom.

EACH OF US IS LAYERED, COMPLEX AND MANY

Who you are can shift with who you're with. Different people bring out different aspects of your personality. You can probably see this in your friendships. Hang with one friend and you're hilarious. A different friend and you're deep and calm. Another and you're sinister and a prankster. We all contain multitudes, and only by the unique mixology of each person with another do we really get to know ourselves.

I notice this mostly when my friends start datin' someone who doesn't quite fit the mold. The added energy or lack thereof from the new person throws me off, confuses me about the unspoken desires of my friend, and can affect even how I see my compadre. I might see the hole in my friend's identity that they're fillin’ with this new person, and be surprised by their inner life, one I never knew.

On the flip side, some relationships I know are fire and fuel, in the best way. They ignite what is wonderful in each other, and I love to hang out with them together as much as I do apart. For me, that's the end goal.

Sometimes I wish I could just decide, based on reason, who I am and who I get attracted to. I've tried, trust me. But the cruel beauty of the heart is that it speaks in an ancient language, as deep as instinct, and can hardly be reasoned with. You do not know your heart. The head and the heart bicker. And I pray that one day, in one person... they'll both, finally, agree.

In the meantime, I'll be mixin’ my spirit with all the ingredients around me, the personalities and idiosyncrasies, and meeting myself in them and them in me. That way, I may also bloom!

His Plans Differ

As humans, we can all relate to a time we were tired, worn out, stressed, pushed to our breakin' point, and wonderin' where God was. Is it those tests we studied our hardest for, only to receive a bad grade? Is it those moments when our dreams seem in reach but are suddenly wretched away? Too numerous to list.

We ask: why does God allow that to happen to us, His people? How can we trust in Him disappointment after disappointment?

In the recent past, I had my fair share of disappointin' experiences. I went into post-graduate studies excited and ready to find the perfect job afterwards. Along the line, I was catapulted into a job that appeared to be one for the future. However, things turned sour and all I have to show for huge investments of my time, energy and money is rejection and betrayal. In my mind, I did everythin' to ensure I would stay on the job. I have good grades, I was heavily involved in researches related that field, I feel like I performed well in my interviews and on top of that, I prayed for it to happen. Still, I was shoved out.

Honestly, why won’t God allow somethin' to come easily just this once? The first few minutes after the news came, I was scared, wonderin' how I was ever goin' to find a job when I have very little experience and when many of my peers seem to be gettin' jobs as quickly as bread flies off the racks at Shoprite. I am not exaggerating. Frankly, in those minutes, I was pretty fed up with God and His apparently “great plans.”

“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.”- Proverbs 16:9 “A lot is cast into the lap, but it’s every decision is from the Lord.”- Proverbs 17: 33 “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trust in Him, and I am helped.”- Psalm 28: 7 “I sought the Lord and He answered me, He delivered me from all my fears.”- Psalm 34:4

Though these words brought me comfort, I was still a girl without a job and tryin' to find my path. The ironic thing is throughout that whole week, my devotional said somethin' about trustin' in God and waitin' on His timing. I love one of the quotes I found: "when you're weary and everythin' seems to be goin' wrong, you can still utter these fours words: I trust You, Jesus."

How many times do we completely discount God when the things in our lives seem to go wrong? We doubt, cry, and pout like a toddler whose mother didn't buy what she wanted at the supermarket. Why don’t we rejoice instead? Why are we so quick to forget all the times God rescued us? Why do we forget the things God is doin' in our lives right this second that enable us to survive?

As difficult as it can be to believe and as often as people suggest James 1:2 (as if readin' that verse magically solves your problems), it’s still true. Life is not easy, but God never promises it will be. We can’t control the plans of our lives or what direction they will take, but we can change our attitude durin' times of trial and disappointments. We can choose to thank God for all He has done and the faithfulness He has shown us in the past. We can choose to take delight in the gift of each day. And we can rejoice when life twists our carefully orchestrated plans.

It is not easy. On the contrary, it takes plenty of work. God is usin' what you're goin' through right now to prepare you for somethin' in the future that you don’t have any idea about. Maybe the job was taken away because it will prevent me from a greater opportunity. Maybe God is protectin' me from a horrible boss. Maybe it happened so that I'd find time for other things. Maybe he's stoppin' me from buildin' a career in a path different from his plan for me, because it's not clear to me yet what I want to do with the rest of my life that is comin' immanently closer every second.

For the Lord is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless. -Psalm 84:11

This verse doesn’t say you won’t be crushed at times in life, disappointed, and even devastated by God’s circumstances, but it does say that God is sovereign and He is protectin' us from ourselves.  Our best does not necessarily equal His best.

If you are in a period of waitin' and disappointments are poppin' left, right and centre, God has not forgotten you. Though you might not get the endin' you wanted, God is still providin' for you despite your doubt. Today, try to desire the plans and things God wants to give you instead of what you think you deserve. Remember, without disappointments we would not be able to fully bloom.

YOU ARE AMAZIN'

Again and again, I see how easy it is to say those words to someone else and how hard it is to believe it for myself when told. I think there are three main reasons for this:

My stunted self-worth. I’ve laid so much of my identity on the altar of public opinion, cultural sway, performance, status, and the desire to be known. And in so doing, my truest identity; the one in Christ, gets lost under the pile.

My misguided views about humility. "Amazing?" I say to myself. "What a prideful view to have!" But truthfully, God isn't just "okay" with me. He doesn't simply tolerate me. He didn't create me and then whisper, "oops, what have I done?" I was made intentionally, and because the One who crafted me is the king of the whole universe, I am indeed a pretty amazin' creation.

My familiarity with the messes that no one else sees. The truth is, we all know the yuck of our own pasts. I know where I have failed others, and where I have failed God. I know all the un-amazin' things I've said, done and thought.

These reasons notwithstanding, I am still an amazin' person and so are you. We are not what we do. We are not how we feel or what we struggle with or even what we have accomplished. We are who God says we are. Sometimes we get paralyzed by insecurity because we define ourselves by our failures. Sometimes, we tie so tightly our identity to our talents or success that when we mess up or realize someone is more talented; we don’t know who we are anymore. Let’s define ourselves the way God does – amazing; no more, no less! We are made for amazing things. Each of us are here for "such a time as this," for purposes set out for us long ago. Our time here is short, so very short. If you’re anything like me, maybe 2017 can be the year when we let go of our stunted self-worth, our misguided views about humility, and our past regrets.

It's a new year. You are an amazin' person, and you are made for amazin' things. So, say it loud and say it proud: "I am amazing, therefore, I bloom!"