RACE AT YOUR PACE

Ever feel like you’re always backward? Like way way behind with your schedules, slow in graspin' all you need to learn, late with all the trendin' news? I find myself in these categories most times.

I’m usually already awake fifteen to twenty minutes before my alarm rings. And as much as every inch of me would love to fall back asleep, I just don’t. So I’d often reach for my phone and hold it till the briskness of the alarm tone pops my eyes open and wills my feet to the floor. Then I’d grope through the darkness, to turn on the light. So my day starts with the hope that I can be on time with and on top of the things I should get done, but it rarely feels like I’m gettin' there at all.

I happen to be pursuin' a higher degree in a field different from what I studied as an undergraduate and there are moments durin' my classes when I feel slow, uncoordinated and insecure (you know, like a fish out of water – not comprehendin' what the man at the board is sayin'). There have also been several times at my choir rehearsals when I’m the last one to score a song or get the notes right. Sometimes I feel frustrated, weak and clumsy bein' at the last place, but I’m not about to give up. Not especially after months of pushing through the darkness at dark O’ clock hours in my best effort to study or pluggin' in those earpieces at wee hours of the morn’ and strainin' so hard, listenin' for my parts in a song.

This has taught me a lesson, not just for schoolin' or for singing, but for life. Every day, I have a choice to simply run the race I’m on, or lament the fact that I’m unable to run at a pace like everyone else and just give up. I won’t be doing myself any favour if I keep comparin' my path and pace with those of others. I only have to keep doin' it and givin' it my all; even on days when I don’t think I can take another step or finish at the same time as others.

We all have our paths. It may seem like our  paths are the same, but each person’s race is unique with a route set out specifically for them.

You are not called to run the race of your sister, your friend, your colleague or your neighbour. You are called to run your own race in your own lane at your own pace, even if you’re getting passed by those on other lanes around you, even if it feels like you’re two metres or five years behind. It doesn’t matter so much that you’re the last one to get to the finish line. What matters more is that you made it to your destination, that you enjoyed your journey without puttin' yourself through the torture of comparin' it with that of another.

This doesn't mean that you shouldn't care at all if your pace is slow. Examine your heart of hearts and ensure you're giving your best shot to your pace. I complained to a friend once about my dissatisfaction with my progress at school and his clear and simple advice was: "do your thing at your pace, but do it well".

Pump your legs as hard as you can on your path, be happy to even be runnin' a race at all and place little importance on the gap between you and others. It may feel like everyone else is so much further down the road, but just keep up and plug away at your own pace. Wake up daily and live the life you’ve been given. Bloom!

Say Nay Sometimes

Some days ago, messages trickled into my inbox and just lookin' at all of them felt overwhelming. There was someone who wanted to catch up, another wanted to know if I could help with his project, a course mate wanted me to send her my thoughts on a certain topic, a group I’m a part of needs me to RSVP for a rendezvous, someone who visited me wants me to return the favor, another remindin’ me to attend a specific conference, a close friend needs some advice and hopes we can have some time to talk, a friend of a friend wonders if I’d have some time to help guide her through knottin' bags.

For almost every single one of them I have a reason to say yes (well…this one paid me a visit so it’s only fair I return the love… this one’s a really good friend… this should only take me thirty minutes… this one is from someone who never asks me for anything, so I ought to come through the first time… this one would be fun to do… this one would help improve my skills too… and well, one is a cause I am responsible for. Almost all of them deserve a yes, but at the time, none of them would get my best yes.

I should say no, but then the thoughts come; “I don’t want to miss out on doing something worthwhile, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by turnin' them down, I want to help. I want to support my network and give my time more lavishly.” I knew deep down that I couldn't commit to all of them and keep up with my own schedule for the day, not even for people I love, not even for relationships that are important to me.

Sometimes,“no” is the loving truth you can say to anyone. If you want to get some things done, perhaps finish a task with a deadline, you’re gonna have to say no to or put a pause on other things like seeing friends, traveling, etc.– somethin' has to give way. So you have to say no to a lot of events, to projects, to people. And yes, sayin' no is hard! Especially if you’re a people pleaser.

We cannot say yes to every request that is made of us, even if we wanted to. We cannot also please everyone, no matter how much we try - surely we all know that now. It is purely impossible to stay true to yourself if you have to be at everyone’s beck and call all the time, or do their every bidding. Stayin' true to yourself would mean disappointin' others sometimes.

If you’re going to say no, you’re likely to fall into the temptation to assuage your guilt and this could lead to saying no in a not-so-good way. It isn’t helpful do a trade by barter, like sayin' “No, I can’t do what you’re asking, but I can do this instead.” This leaves you feelin' obligated and still committed in some way. You shouldn’t try to justify your "no" either by apologizin' or givin' a long explanation to why you can’t give a "yes". Explanations in the long run tend to defeat the whole essence of saying no.

It’s not exactly ideal to play the delay game either: “I can’t do this right now, but let’s see how the weekend goes.” This is like puttin' off a task to when you’d be committed to other things. It’s like tryin' to find a way to say yes when what you mean to say is no. In the end, you feel just as bad because all the excuses and postponements do not free up head space, plus you realize that sayin' one thing and meanin' another is not the path to integrity.

The way to say no to people is to keep it short and simple.  That way, they don’t get to hear your sob story and you don’t get to have a pity party either. Truth is, the temptation to drag on will come and I assure you that it’s easier said than done. When you eventually get around to saying it, it may not feel cozy at first; it may come with a little bit of fear and panic, but you’d both be better for it.

As much as possible, avoid promisin' to make up for turnin' someone down. In some cases, makin' a promise or doin' a barter will be appropriate. In others, it’s best to give a firm and clear "no", without gettin' hopes up or draggin' the process. Affirm them and their request in a way that communicates that you respect the fact that they asked you (it’s a big deal to ask for help).  That way, even if they still feel hurt or disappointed, they’d know at least that you turned them down politely. While it’s not advisable to make promises, encourage them to ask at another time or to not decline from makin' future requests when the need arises.

If you’re wont to pleasin' people, you may believe that you have to say yes to people you love all the time. This shouldn’t be. If they really love you, turnin' down some of their requests legitimately won’t change anything. If you have to dance and sing to their beats all the time to keep them lovin' you, you’d have to keep payin' this price for their love as long as it lasts.

Stay true to yourself even if it means disappointin' another, it’s not narcissism. And expect that from others too, even if it means they will say no to you at some point. Take yes or no responses as they come, with no hard feelings. This is one way to bloom!

LEAH

It’s becoming a trend these days to see young women get pregnant just to get a man to marry them. What’s annoying is to hear some complain after accomplishing their mission that their “husbands” would hear nothing of their babies, let alone give them any attention or show them affection. This is mostly a bad idea.

In the twenty ninth chapter of the first book of the bible, we meet Leah – Laban’s older daughter. The first few verses that introduce us to Leah put her in comparison with her sister, Rachel; “Leah had lovely eyes, but Rachel was shapely and in every way a beauty”. Apparently, it was the stunningly beautiful younger sister that Jacob wanted for a wife. But Leah was married off to Jacob, even though he didn’t choose her.

Leah was like one of today’s women, married to a man who didn’t love her. In spite of Jacob’s betrayal and plans to get Rachel - the wife of his choice, the real love of his life - Leah kept a glimmer of hope, believing that someday she would be cherished and adored by her husband.

The bible tells us that the lord saw that Leah was unloved, so he gave her a son and she named him Reuben meaning “look, it’s a boy”. She said to herself, “this is a sign that God has seen my misery and a sign that now my husband will love me because I have given him an heir”. Bearing her husband a son didn’t do the trick; she was still unloved. She bore another boy and christened him Simeon which means “”God heard”. Again, she said to herself, “Jehovah heard that I am still lonely and gave me another son, my husband will love me now”. This still did not make her the chosen one. Leah gave birth a third time to a boy and named him Levi (meaning connected). For she said “surely now my husband will be drawn to me since I have given him three sons. How wrong she was! She was still not loved, well maybe not just as much as Rachel.

Leah conceived once more and gave birth to yet another boy. This time, she called her son Judah which simply means praise. She had said “now I will praise the lord”. She simply put her trust and her love in God this time and gave up trying to win her husband’s affection through her efforts. God did accept her praise alright. Judah, her last son for whom she praised God was the patriarch of David’s lineage, of which Jesus was also a descendant. And no doubt, God had been listening to her cry when child after child, she still couldn’t get her husband to fall in love with her. Of course, He saw that she was lonely and brokenhearted but He wanted her to realize that He was sufficient for her and she eventually did.

Getting pregnant or having a child just to make a partner stay back in a relationship is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. Once a child is on the way, it becomes socially and morally unacceptable for partners to walk out. They feel compelled to remain in the relationship, no matter how unhappy they are in it. The saddest part of this is that often times, the stress of bringing up a baby eventually proves too much for the partners and the relationship breaks up regardless – only now an innocent being must bear the brunt of it.

Sometimes too, having a baby is often used to prod an unwilling partner down the aisle. The confusing twist to this is that while s/he may be willing to stay in the relationship and even be a parent, they may not be ready to get married just yet. Societal expectations bear upon the reluctant partner to get married and “do the right thing” by the baby and for the relationship. Now, any marriage which is entered into by compulsion, no matter how noble the reason behind it, usually has very slim chances of happiness, fulfillment or even survival.

It is a huge blunder to believe that having a baby is going to make your partner a new person or have him accept you overnight. Not only is an individual unlikely to alter his/her personality, having a baby for this reason and under such pretensions is extremely unfair on the child who needs people to look after it willingly and with love. This is not to say that having a baby leaves no impression on a person’s mental makeup, only that any change should be motivated from within and not imposed by external circumstances.

No doubt, the worst reason to get pregnant are; doing it to save a relationship or to get the marriage title. In all likelihood, it won't work. If anything, it will only make things worse and painful. It's terribly unfair to the baby you're bringing into the world, and even to the unwilling parent.

I'm always flabbergasted by women who go and get themselves pregnant in the hopes that they will either nail down a husband or keep a man from leaving. If they want to go, they'll go. Plus, a man will get married when a man wants to get married. A baby isn't going to change their minds, ask Leah. If she couldn't succeed in getting her husband to love her after bearing him sons, how much less a man who isn't yet yours?

Let your relationships take their natural course and bloom.

FEELINGS

Every so often when we try to communicate to others what effects their words or deeds have on us, we end by saying “that’s how I feel”. Looking at this from a different perspective lately, it gives the impression that we let what we feel have the final say, we let it be lord over our lives and boss of the people we love. And no doubt, most of the time, that is the case. We go through our daily lives putting our feelings in charge. If we feel good, then it’s gonna be a great day. If we feel terrible, it surely will be a horrible day - for us and everyone we come in contact with.

We should look at our feelings in a different light and put our emotions to their rightful place - bring them under subjection to the will of God and under a choice to be positive because we can be in charge of our feelings. And how selfish our feelings can be, letting us worry mostly about our own comfort, peace and happiness. Rarely putting the feelings of others into consideration, interpreting their words and actions to suit our feelings.

If anything, it is our feelings that make it difficult to obey God’s words. He tells us to love one another, to be merciful, gracious and compassionate (all the time, not when we feel like it). Now, how can we love that friend when we feel that they are being insensitive to our needs? How can we be merciful to that person who constantly makes us “feel” helpless? How can we be gracious to that neighbour when we “feel” like they are taking advantage of us? How can we be compassionate towards someone who lets us feel we shouldn’t get what we ask?

Think about the fruit of the spirit (love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance). While some of it may seem like things we “feel”, they actually require actions. For all it’s worth, our feelings do count – they are just not supposed to be in the forefront. If God has the driver’s seat in our lives and we take the passenger’s seat, then our feelings are left in the backseat.

If we are honest, we’d admit that our feelings are almost always all about us. And in contrast, nothing is all about us at all. Should something go in a way we didn’t expect or should some bad news come, our initial reaction is to act in line with our feelings and that is usually a bad idea and may get us in trouble with our relationships. So, instead, I wait. While your initial feeling may be valid from the onset, you are most likely not going to feel that way after a while. Nine times out of ten, our initial feelings on a situation are self-centred. This is one of the reasons while we cannot act based on how we feel. Take some time to run your feelings through a filter and figure out exactly how you should feel about the situation.

As we go through every day, let us carefully select our feelings and not let them run our lives. We must be in control of how we feel if we want to bloom.

NEW BEGINNINGS

Life is full of many new beginnings, so many. September has always seemed more to me like the start of a ‘new year’, as opposed to the conventional January. Growing up, September marked the end of the lazy, hazy days of the long holidays. And in my home, once the last day of August arrives, my sisters and I would be expected to turn in individual back-to-school lists to our parents.

September brings a sense of novelty. The freshness in the air. The mixed feelings towards the start of a new school year. Having wrung out all the holiday fun, the idea of a chance to start with a clean slate always sounds good. Often we feel sad for the end of summer classes but at the same time, we look forward to new routines and a change. Sound familiar? For me it goes back to secondary school days. I still remember resumption days after the long summer holidays. The smell of fresh grass which meant a few weeks of strenuous “labour”, the sticky spirogyra on the walls and floor, yet to be scuffed by footwears and brooms, the trauma of meeting a new class teacher and the greater dread of a pristine exercise book with beautiful blank pure white pages which was soon to be covered in ink blots with words sometimes too big to comprehend. Each new class brings new challenges and it’d take a few weeks to settle in and get a good pattern going. More than these, September has marked the turn of life-changing events in my life. It holds sweet-sour memories for me, but I tag it my month of peace because it's also the month when I first experienced the "peace that passeth all understanding" and got understanding that only that kind of peace can bring.

September calls on me to refocus and restrategise. The days quickly get shorter and make way for longer, cooler evenings. The weather changes and I am aware that it is natural to feel the effects of these changes in the body especially in September. Perhaps, a little cold or allergies will spring up (they have now). Perhaps, I will have to eat more than I normally do (yes…lol). Perhaps, I will feel the need to do a complete life overhaul – well, that's a lifetime work in progress rather than a quick-fix. All of these serve as a reminder that it is a perfect time to re-evaluate my lifestyle, to hone some of the organizational systems I have in place to streamline my time management and refresh my tool box for success.

So here I am at September again! Time to transition into a new beginning with better perspectives. And this is what new beginnings remind me of - to not be restricted by what worked or didn’t work in the past; to be open-minded and think outside the box; to try new things and rethink old patterns; to revisit relationships or leads that didn’t have a good fit in the past; to reach out, up, over or down and team up with like-minded individuals for support and inspiration. And lately, it’s taught me to not let fear stop me from taking my chances.

September’s given me something new as always. This time, a line I thought I should share. “Take a chance on something seemingly awkward and you’d literally astound yourself, for you never know with whom you shall share a ride on this journey of life!” May new beginnings in your life cause you to bloom.

A GOD WORTH WAITING FOR

It’s morning and you walk out the door at 6:30am to head across town for an important engagement you have at 7:00am. All is going as expected until you turn the corner to see you left the headlights on all night. Your fears are confirmed as you turn the key in the ignition to no avail.

Two choices emerge in your mind. There is a bus stop half a mile from where you live and you would board a vehicle that can get you to your destination. You’d probably be late, but it’s definitely a possibility. Then there is a neighbour who lives next door but is known for her ability to turn every five (5)-minute task into half an hour. You call in the favor and she says she just needs to get dressed and will be there shortly.

By now it’s 6:40am. Do you begin the half mile trek to the bus stop or wait for your friend who continues to claim that she will be there soon? Your choice will reveal what you deem as most reliable to fulfill your need of getting to your meeting because we naturally wait on what we believe to be reliable.

There’s a reason no car is on queue at an empty filling station, hoping for the attendants to magically appear. There’s a reason no one is at the post office on Christmas day waiting to send their order. No one is coming. Waiting is pointless. We only wait on what we believe to be reliable.

To wait on God is to see Him as the greatest and only solution to a problem.  To wait on God is to affirm that He is reliable. To wait on God is to put your hope in Him above all other things.  To wait is to hope. To wait is an expression of faith. And this is not the unsure “I-hope-this-works” kind of faith.  This faith is an affirmation of the certainty and unfailing trust that we have in God.

Do you wait on God?  Do you persist in prayer expectantly before an answer comes? Or do you give up waiting on God after a few days?  Do you wait on God and look to Him throughout your day for your joy?  Or are you waiting on a text, Facebook message, or a certain number of “likes” on your last tweet to bring you a sense of happiness?  A lack of waiting on God reveals that you are not convinced that He is reliable in answering prayers or bringing true joy to His children.

The unfortunate reality is, we are all prone to wait on (and hope in) many other things besides God. We habitually wait on a change in circumstances, money, a person, or an opportunity as solutions to our problems. It does not come naturally to wait on God. Rather, waiting on God is a spiritual discipline that is to be cultivated, not something we can expect will happen automatically. This prayer showcases two important things. First, there is a temptation to wait on something other than God.  So, what are you tempted to wait for? What do you believe is a reliable solution to your current circumstances? A boyfriend, a husband, a change in your boss, a best friend, being in the inner circle, a smaller body, a job, a promotion, a successful ministry, more money, children, more children, nicer clothes?

Waiting is active.  It is a continuous and active looking to God as the answer to all problems and unfulfilled longings.  It is a conscious choice to persist in seeking God, not a subconscious existing between prayer requests. It is a fight to continually refocus the hope of our souls onto God alone. It is the constant reminding of our souls that He is trustworthy, He is reliable, and He will come through.  Though waiting on God is crucial when prayers remain unanswered and God seems distant, it is just as necessary in fruitful seasons when we are prone to complacency and self-reliance.

Only through communion with God do we find fullness of joy, abundant life, and help in every circumstance. Wait on him and thou shall in the end bloom!

STRONG, GIFTED, UNIQUE!

If you are reading this, chances are I don’t actually know you, i.e. we’ve never shaken hands, never talked face-to-face. But still, I feel like I know you. While I may not know you, I do know some things about you. You probably know these things about you, too. It’s just… sometimes, they’re easy to forget.

You are stronger than you think you are. It’s true. When you get tired and run down, it’s easy to lose sight of this. It’s easy to think you’re weak and you don’t have what it takes. But that’s not true. You are stronger than you think you are.

The first time I learned this about myself was when I jogged for two (2) hours straight some few months ago. It was a completely illogical decision. I have barely jogged more than twenty (20) minutes in the last five (5) to seven (7) years. But someone threw out the suggestion, and in the heat of the moment it seemed kind of glamorous and totally fascinating. And of course, I wanted to be glamorous and fascinating.

But instead of making me feel that way, doing that jog made me feel like I was completely unfit for such a task. I would look at the duration of time and length of the route I set out to complete and think, “there is no way I could possibly go that far,” or I’d see people who had come out for their regular exercise fly past me while I was jogging, and I would think to myself; “you’re so fat now, and can barely run. Oyiwodu, you can’t even breath and you’re barely thirty (30) minutes gone”.

My thoughts were everywhere. And as I watched others stream past me like gazelles in the wild, I clomped along like a Clydesdale, wondering whether I was going to make it at all – boy, was I exhausted already!

In less than an hour of jogging, when I was quite certain that the cramping in my legs would prevent me from finishing, all I could do was whisper to myself: “You’re stronger than you think you are”. And you know what? That’s right, cos I did complete the race in two (2) hours without stopping for a break! And if I was right about me then, chances are I’m right about you now.

You’re stronger than you think you are. Even when you’re out of hair. Even when you feel like a mess. Even when it seems like everyone else has it more “together” than you do. And I dare to say; especially in those moments. You’re stronger than you think you are.

You belong. Yes, you do. It might not seem like you have a place to belong or that you belong where you are, but you do. Sometimes we have to uncover our space, or discover it, or carve it out; which can be tricky to do without stepping on the toes of others, without accidentally taking up someone else’s space. When we occupy the space another was designed to occupy, we miss the peace of fitting in our own space, the one that was designed uniquely for us.

It’s a balancing act. But there is room for you. In life, in your career, in your family, in your church, in your community.

You just have to find it. You don’t have to fight for it, you don’t have to be sly about it, you don’t have to compete for it. It’s already yours. You own it. You just have to discover where it is and live into it as you grow into the most beautiful version of yourself. It won’t always be comfortable or easy, but do stop fighting to prove you belong. Infact, there is nothing to prove. You belong.

You are incredibly, uniquely gifted. You’d be amazed the things you can do - sing, write, build, create, draw, act, counsel, serve, love, cultivate, captivate, grow and be kind. What’s even more amazing is that you can do these things in such a way that no one else can, no one. What you do is beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

You are incredibly, uniquely gifted. It is so easy to forget this, isn’t it? It is so easy for our gifts to become an old hat. If I could have any talent in the world, if I were just picking, I wish I were eloquent. In fact, sometimes, when I’m home by myself, I open my mouth and pretend like what happens next is anything remotely resembling eloquence. But it’s not, really (take my word for it).

I know I am gifted in other ways and indeed, we all are. But it’s just so easy to think someone else’s gifts are more glamorous, more useful or even more exciting than ours.

To be clear, I don’t ever plan to stop speaking when I’m alone (I might even keep pretending it sounds good…lol) but I do plan to stop wishing away my gifts and to stop assuming someone else’s gifts are more impressive than mine.

You are uniquely and incredibly gifted. Yes, You. Take every chance to serve people, and to celebrate the gifts of others. Instead of resenting your gifts or wishing you had different ones, invest completely and wholeheartedly in the ones you’ve been given. 

Embrace opportunities. Grow your talent. Master your craft. Bloom!