Lesson Learnt

"How do you know s/he's the one?"

That's a question most "about-to-wed"s get asked more often than they might expect. Normally, most of them would say that they “just knew”. This however, is usually not the case.

A few weeks after someone asked me that question, my first relationship fell apart. Or more accurately, the few threads I’d been desperately tryin' to hold together in the last two years of that relationship finally came unraveled. The irony!

Four years after the end of that relationship, I feel like I want to share what I learnt. And if I could give a piece of advice that will make that question less complicated, it would be to spend less time tryin' to figure out how to dress, how to act, how not to act, when to text, when not to text, who should call etc. and more time askin' the more inportant questions.

How do you feel about yourself when you're in this person’s presence? Can you tell him/her what you think—even if it will hurt his/her feelings? Are you able to let your guard down in front of him/her? Are you able to hear what s/he has to say even when it's difficult? Do you tell him/her how he/she makes you feel? Do you enjoy his/her company? Would you rather be with him/her than by yourself?

We spend so much time worryin' about how much schoolin' they've had, what kind of job they do, what kind of car they drive et al. Not that these questions are wrong; it’s just that their answers can easily be manipulated. A person can accomplish a lot without character and integrity.

Only time can provide true answers to the more important questions because those things cannot be rushed. I’m not sayin' it will take forever to get answers. What I'm sayin' is that you should cut yourself some slack. Give yourself the time you need to be clear about the relationship and how it affects the peace of your being. It will take a different amount of time for everyone, so there's no need to beat yourself up if it takes longer than others.

And yes, you’re gettin' older every day and more and more of your friends are getting engaged on social media and it feels like you are the last one and you’re goin' to be left behind. I know there's a chance that if you wait “too long”, the person you’re datin' might not stay long enough for you to decide and just walk away. But the truth is: what is for you will not pass you by. It's the rest of your life, you cannot come and go and mess it up. 😁

Findin' the “right person” is not the point of your wait. Who you are becomin' is the point. Learn to speak your truth to the one you're with, terrifyin' as it may be. We spend most of our time tryin' to veil the truth, tryin' not to say anythin' that will make us too vulnerable, or hurt anyone’s feelings, or make us seem “too forward”. What’s better than findin' a life partner is learnin' to be at home with yourself.

Back to what I've learnt from endin' a relationship! A relationship that ends is not your life's endin' nor is it a failure tag on you. Sadly, I was one to judge people for breakin' up. I didn’t know I was doin' it until I found me in the same place. It's not like I sat around thinkin' they were terrible at their relationships, but I did think that that would never happen to me. Breakin' up was not an option for me. I was strong, I told myself then. No matter what happened, I'd fight to keep my relationship goin' and I did fight. Even when it was drainin' me, I kept tellin' myself that if I could only fight harder, I could save us.

The most depressin' question as people began to know of the split was: “so you couldn’t just make it work?” As much as that made me feel like a failure, it took a while for me to realize that the outcome of that relationship does not reflect or define the resilience of my soul. Did I think I'd have a break up? No. That was not the story I asked for, nor was it what I dreamed about.

The end of a relationship, I have come to learn isn’t always the result of a lack of fighting. Sometimes the strongest thing one can do is to let go. You can do all the right things and still break up. So do not be so quick to judge your efforts by outcomes in life. I needed to learn that a broken relationship is not a failed life.

I hope you don’t have to go through a break up. Truly. But I also want you to know that even if you do go through one—or another kind of heartbreak all together—you are goin' to be okay. You are powerful and resilient and incredible and not a minute is wasted. Not your dating life, not your singlelife, not your post-breakup life.

Just know that that beautiful, totally resilient version of you is unfoldin' in full bloom.