Wednesday 18 November 2015

UNLATCH THAT DOOR

Lately, I have received several calls and reminders that soon it’d be my birthday again. And this time, one of those milestone ages for that matter. I look at my life so far and I am filled gratitude. I am particularly thankful for a blessed year and hopeful a replica and even better in the comin’ years. I look upon my life from yesteryears to see how far I am from the kid I was and how much I am changin’ too; these words come to mind – fear, weak, dull. As a child, I was so timid and always so afraid. Shyness basically controlled my life and tormented me. It was the demon that clinched so tight it sucked the life out of me and followed me into adulthood.

I didn’t want to be seen and you would barely even notice me but my screamin’ silence always eventually drew attention. I was so shy and embarrassed to speak, much less, greet people around. During the day, I’d try so hard to be anywhere but the front or up on a stage and then at night, I’d make sure my feet do not stick out of the bedcovers and my head peaked out just enough to keep me from suffocating (I hate to sleep this way, and as with many other things, I’d literally put myself through pain and discomfort just to be invisible).

Outside, I’d duck behind people to hide from strangers or pretend to be lost readin’ a book when people spoke to me. Then there were pictures! Oh, I dreaded takin’ them. I always stood so immobile in all my personal pictures, with a look that suggested fear. And if ever we had to take group pictures, I was sure to find my way behind or at a forgotten corner. As I grew and began to have the privilege to choose my own seat in school, I’d often take those at the edges of a third row or further behind; preferably close to the door, so I could race out as soon as classes were over. And of the several reasons I wanted to be a pharmacist was the thought that it was one career where I don’t have to be seen or heard… imagine that! Who thinks that way?

In secondary school, I wouldn’t play sports because I feared the spotlight it put on those involved. I didn’t mingle with my mates because I feared they wouldn’t want to keep a friendship with me.

There are many more examples of how timidity was makin’ me stupid and drawin’ me to a life of mediocrity… but God didn’t let it happen. He took me instead and put the love of a language so strong in me and that changed the course of my life. It was a gradual and painful change and it is still sometimes challengin’ too, but it gets better. Not only did this change give me exposure and demand that I be outspoken, it brought me in contact with people whose acquaintance affected my life for good. It also gave me many opportunities to overcome my overbearin’ timidity.

Though I’m still tryin’ to understand how and why God changed my life for His purpose, I feel more liberated, equipped and prepared to live life. Unlike in the past when I was mostly unsure of whatever I did, I now feel empowered to walk in the destiny of my true identity and unique calling. It’s been excitin’ to learn and walk daily into the truth of who I am – beyond any talk or quote from speakers and books. The revelation in the core of my being; that I am a daughter of the king and part of an unshakeable kingdom has utterly transformed my being – I know whose I am and who I am.

Now, am I perfect? Absolutely not - I still struggle with shyness and stage fright but with a better view and a willingness and determination to conquer it. At least I can say that I am not nearly as I once was because hard as it may be, I rarely turn down responsibilities now. Plus, I fidget less before, while and after facing an audience. I serve as a youth leader in my local church and can confidently lead a worship session. I worked briefly in a school where I’d have to stand before and talk to a group of pupils and learnin’ facilitators alike. I’ve had to present papers before my classmates and lecturers. I’ve learnt to smile and be the first to say hi – it’s still sometimes frightening and daunting to do that, but it doesn’t hurt.

There are really no hard and fast rules for overcomin’ timidity. Confidence knocks at the door of your life all the time, but the latch is on the inside and can only be opened by you. Then allow the freedom and peace that comes from knowin’ you can be bold and that you are not on your own consume you and thrust you into a place of absolute surrender. If you want fulfillment in life beyond what you imagine, you gotta unlatch the door, step out of your comfort zone into your courage zone and bloom!