IT ONLY GETS BETTER

I sit down next to 21-year-old newly disengaged , undecipherable me. She has her face in her hands.

"Did I make a mistake? This is crazy. Everything you've said, your entire life...it looks impossibly different. Tell me the truth. If you could go back in time and undo it all, would you?"

I pause and then take her hand.

"You're right and wrong. It was different but apparently not impossible. More days than not as a 21yo I woke up angry, sad, tired, and scared. My head was always swirling with thoughts of what-ifs. My entire existence was questioned, I'd wake up in the night just to worry. I'd torture myself with thoughts of something happening to crush my heart.

I don't go to bed: I collapse into it and cling to the mattress like a life raft floating in the middle of a vast, churning ocean, no land in sight.

But as a 25yo now, I wouldn't trade these experiences and growth for all the gold in the world. Every day as I rise from the previous day's ashes, I'm introduced to a better version of myself. Every time I stretch my patience brittle, I deep sea dive into an ocean of self-love and come up more enthusiastic than I've ever been.

Every time I hear me laugh, see me smile, I'm bathed in a love so hot it burns. It's not the kind of love that expects Valentines or stirs butterflies, it's the kind that rises and sets with the sun faithfully.

Yes, it's been different but not impossible. And no, I'm not surviving, I've been thriving and of course, blooming.

SOCIAL MEDIA DISPLAYS

"Why don't you share your boyfriend's photos frequently?" I get asked quite often so I'll address it once and for all. Many days social media feels like the village I've always wanted. I find myself wishing we could all be in a park or sitting around chitchatting. But the reality is I don't know who everyone is, and for whatever reason, it makes me uncomfortable to put him on stage all the time.

I'm not at all biased, but I find him to be adorable and would love for you to fawn over him like I do, but I don't feel comfortable displaying him all the time.  I share his photos online with friends and family that I know personally but I don't think it's something I should do all the time.

I am a private person and that means it's easier for me to err on conservative side.   So, the short version of this answer is yes, I'd love for you guys to tell me how cute he is or how good we look together, but no...the pictures that will be posted will mostly be done once in a very long while.  Or how about a plot twist: maybe I don't have any boyfriend anymore. Maybe I'm not even straight. 💁Digest that.   Thanks for listening. Forgive the rambling.