Wednesday 21 June 2017

WHEN I SAY IT, I MEAN IT



For most of my life, I was reserved with words like the ones above. not just those, endearin' words too. I wanted it to really mean something, didn’t want to give it away too easily (really gotta make people work for it, you know? LOL) and I certainly didn’t want to waste it on anyone who didn’t love me back. Selfish, not so?

What did such carefulness get me? Only a whole host of habits and practices that kept me “safe” but also blocked almost all of the love that was possible in my life. I was “doing everythin’ right”, but I was trapped in my own little world. It wasn’t until a few years back that I began to tell people how I feel about them. 

When I feel it, I say it. When I say it, I mean it. And when I mean it, I don’t need you to say it or mean it back either. Hearin’ it back feels good, don’t get me wrong. But love isn’t a bargainin’ chip. I don’t need people to love me back in order to love them. Love is its own reward.

Most of us do not need to be more careful with love. We’ve been careful enough. We need to unlock the well of love buried deep within us, the one we left untapped because people told us love was dangerous and wicked and that it would get us into trouble and get our hearts broken.

No doubt, it may get you into trouble. Welcome to life! And yes, it may get your heart broken. That's part of it, that's what love does. It breaks us open. But keepin’ it locked up down is keepin’ you stuck in a tiny little life you don’t even want to be living, trust me. You’ll only come to realize that you’re trapped in a cage you don’t even remember gettin’ in. So, speak the words as often as you mean it. Splash it on that person, just like I'm doin' on this post.


In the perfect words of one of my favourite artists Audrey Assad, "love given freely becomes what it ought to be." I'm not waitin’ around anymore for love to happen to me. I am love and I am happenin’ to me, so much so that I bloom.

Sunday 18 June 2017

EACH OF US IS LAYERED, COMPLEX AND MANY

Who you are can shift with who you're with. Different people bring out different aspects of your personality. You can probably see this in your friendships. Hang with one friend and you're hilarious. A different friend and you're deep and calm. Another and you're sinister and a prankster. We all contain multitudes, and only by the unique mixology of each person with another do we really get to know ourselves.

I notice this mostly when my friends start datin' someone who doesn't quite fit the mold. The added energy or lack thereof from the new person throws me off, confuses me about the unspoken desires of my friend, and can affect even how I see my compadre. I might see the hole in my friend's identity that they're fillin’ with this new person, and be surprised by their inner life, one I never knew.

On the flip side, some relationships I know are fire and fuel, in the best way. They ignite what is wonderful in each other, and I love to hang out with them together as much as I do apart. For me, that's the end goal.

Sometimes I wish I could just decide, based on reason, who I am and who I get attracted to. I've tried, trust me. But the cruel beauty of the heart is that it speaks in an ancient language, as deep as instinct, and can hardly be reasoned with. You do not know your heart. The head and the heart bicker. And I pray that one day, in one person... they'll both, finally, agree.

In the meantime, I'll be mixin’ my spirit with all the ingredients around me, the personalities and idiosyncrasies, and meeting myself in them and them in me. That way, I may also bloom!