IT ONLY GETS BETTER

I sit down next to 21-year-old newly disengaged , undecipherable me. She has her face in her hands.

"Did I make a mistake? This is crazy. Everything you've said, your entire life...it looks impossibly different. Tell me the truth. If you could go back in time and undo it all, would you?"

I pause and then take her hand.

"You're right and wrong. It was different but apparently not impossible. More days than not as a 21yo I woke up angry, sad, tired, and scared. My head was always swirling with thoughts of what-ifs. My entire existence was questioned, I'd wake up in the night just to worry. I'd torture myself with thoughts of something happening to crush my heart.

I don't go to bed: I collapse into it and cling to the mattress like a life raft floating in the middle of a vast, churning ocean, no land in sight.

But as a 25yo now, I wouldn't trade these experiences and growth for all the gold in the world. Every day as I rise from the previous day's ashes, I'm introduced to a better version of myself. Every time I stretch my patience brittle, I deep sea dive into an ocean of self-love and come up more enthusiastic than I've ever been.

Every time I hear me laugh, see me smile, I'm bathed in a love so hot it burns. It's not the kind of love that expects Valentines or stirs butterflies, it's the kind that rises and sets with the sun faithfully.

Yes, it's been different but not impossible. And no, I'm not surviving, I've been thriving and of course, blooming.

SOCIAL MEDIA DISPLAYS

"Why don't you share your boyfriend's photos frequently?" I get asked quite often so I'll address it once and for all. Many days social media feels like the village I've always wanted. I find myself wishing we could all be in a park or sitting around chitchatting. But the reality is I don't know who everyone is, and for whatever reason, it makes me uncomfortable to put him on stage all the time.

I'm not at all biased, but I find him to be adorable and would love for you to fawn over him like I do, but I don't feel comfortable displaying him all the time.  I share his photos online with friends and family that I know personally but I don't think it's something I should do all the time.

I am a private person and that means it's easier for me to err on conservative side.   So, the short version of this answer is yes, I'd love for you guys to tell me how cute he is or how good we look together, but no...the pictures that will be posted will mostly be done once in a very long while.  Or how about a plot twist: maybe I don't have any boyfriend anymore. Maybe I'm not even straight. 💁Digest that.   Thanks for listening. Forgive the rambling.

I LOOKED IN THE MIRROR

It’s been a score plus five years of livin' and I’ve had millions of moments – good, stupid, timid, indecisive, beautiful. But I’m not frownin’ at me. I’m not even goin' to chide or criticize me. Turns out I kinda like what I see; the woman I’m becoming.

Sittin' in front of the mirror earlier today, I took the time to really look at myself and take it all in. It’s rarely ever my first instinct to do this, so it was incredible to see the things that I saw. There are lines around my eyes – a combo of the effects of agin' and the crinkles of someone who loves to laugh a lot.

I grabbed as much flesh as I could around my belly and was greatly terrified at the thought that some humans will miraculously grow in there someday, funny how childbearin' still gives me the jitters at this age.

I couldn’t see my heart, of course, but I was awed at how strong enough it has been to carry me this far down life’s road.

Somehow, my thoughts drift down memory lane and I am all the more amazed at me, how I have grown. Sometimes, progress feels so slow you can't even see the forward motion. Lookin' back, I am thankful for how much my life has progressed; even though it sometimes feels like a stalemate.

I am profoundly grateful for slow growth, but a sweet and purposeful way of living, and thankful for how that affects me. I've fought to untangle myself from long-held patterns of people pleasing, major anxiety, chronic worryin' and measurin' my worth by the opinion of others. I'm not there yet, but it's been worth it a thousand percent.

Today, I looked at myself and felt more tenderly towards me than I usually do. I realize that I need to love this woman better, be kind to her - myself, just a little bit more each day and celebrate who I'm becomin' and how much I bloom.

UNLATCH THAT DOOR

Lately, I have received several calls and reminders that soon it’d be my birthday again. And this time, one of those milestone ages for that matter. I look at my life so far and I am filled gratitude. I am particularly thankful for a blessed year and hopeful a replica and even better in the comin’ years. I look upon my life from yesteryears to see how far I am from the kid I was and how much I am changin’ too; these words come to mind – fear, weak, dull. As a child, I was so timid and always so afraid. Shyness basically controlled my life and tormented me. It was the demon that clinched so tight it sucked the life out of me and followed me into adulthood.

I didn’t want to be seen and you would barely even notice me but my screamin’ silence always eventually drew attention. I was so shy and embarrassed to speak, much less, greet people around. During the day, I’d try so hard to be anywhere but the front or up on a stage and then at night, I’d make sure my feet do not stick out of the bedcovers and my head peaked out just enough to keep me from suffocating (I hate to sleep this way, and as with many other things, I’d literally put myself through pain and discomfort just to be invisible).

Outside, I’d duck behind people to hide from strangers or pretend to be lost readin’ a book when people spoke to me. Then there were pictures! Oh, I dreaded takin’ them. I always stood so immobile in all my personal pictures, with a look that suggested fear. And if ever we had to take group pictures, I was sure to find my way behind or at a forgotten corner. As I grew and began to have the privilege to choose my own seat in school, I’d often take those at the edges of a third row or further behind; preferably close to the door, so I could race out as soon as classes were over. And of the several reasons I wanted to be a pharmacist was the thought that it was one career where I don’t have to be seen or heard… imagine that! Who thinks that way?

In secondary school, I wouldn’t play sports because I feared the spotlight it put on those involved. I didn’t mingle with my mates because I feared they wouldn’t want to keep a friendship with me.

There are many more examples of how timidity was makin’ me stupid and drawin’ me to a life of mediocrity… but God didn’t let it happen. He took me instead and put the love of a language so strong in me and that changed the course of my life. It was a gradual and painful change and it is still sometimes challengin’ too, but it gets better. Not only did this change give me exposure and demand that I be outspoken, it brought me in contact with people whose acquaintance affected my life for good. It also gave me many opportunities to overcome my overbearin’ timidity.

Though I’m still tryin’ to understand how and why God changed my life for His purpose, I feel more liberated, equipped and prepared to live life. Unlike in the past when I was mostly unsure of whatever I did, I now feel empowered to walk in the destiny of my true identity and unique calling. It’s been excitin’ to learn and walk daily into the truth of who I am – beyond any talk or quote from speakers and books. The revelation in the core of my being; that I am a daughter of the king and part of an unshakeable kingdom has utterly transformed my being – I know whose I am and who I am.

Now, am I perfect? Absolutely not - I still struggle with shyness and stage fright but with a better view and a willingness and determination to conquer it. At least I can say that I am not nearly as I once was because hard as it may be, I rarely turn down responsibilities now. Plus, I fidget less before, while and after facing an audience. I serve as a youth leader in my local church and can confidently lead a worship session. I worked briefly in a school where I’d have to stand before and talk to a group of pupils and learnin’ facilitators alike. I’ve had to present papers before my classmates and lecturers. I’ve learnt to smile and be the first to say hi – it’s still sometimes frightening and daunting to do that, but it doesn’t hurt.

There are really no hard and fast rules for overcomin’ timidity. Confidence knocks at the door of your life all the time, but the latch is on the inside and can only be opened by you. Then allow the freedom and peace that comes from knowin’ you can be bold and that you are not on your own consume you and thrust you into a place of absolute surrender. If you want fulfillment in life beyond what you imagine, you gotta unlatch the door, step out of your comfort zone into your courage zone and bloom!

JUST BECAUSE...

No special occasion. Only because we’re together. Sometimes, you just choose to stop and intentionally acknowledge you’re with someone, and bein' together is good.

Kuekue

Today, a mutual acquaintance asked me “what did you see in him?” I could only respond: “Eweka is visionary… I saw a man that’s headin' for somewhere that is clear to him.” I should have said more, but I couldn't. Now that I've taken time to ponder on that question about the man I am in love with, I admit that I do not know every quirk in his personality, but here are a few things to know about him:

Annoyin’ as he could get sometimes, he has a sense of humour that can calm the highest level of rage. Just as he personifies friendship, Osagioduwa and zeal are interchangeable to me; he’s the most zealous person I know. He can have a million brilliant ideas in just one minute and his insight is incredible! He is relentless in the pursuit of his dreams and never settles for less than absolute best. In the same way, he inspires me and others to be better in every way, to dig deeper and shine brighter.

He is the very embodiment of the phrase: “where there is a will, there is a way”. I am yet to meet someone else with a stronger will than this guy. His lips are soft enough to smile and firm enough to say no. His love is so wide, it takes the whole of me and others in. He is big enough to be gentle and brave enough to be thoughtful. He is generous and helpful; Osagioduwa would give you the shirt off his back…literally. I’ve seen him give so much of his time and energy to people, things and worthy causes.

He is a gift that keeps on giving. The two years plus that we’ve been together have been the least inactive, most productive and greatest growth season of my life. He seems to always know what to do or say. And with a drive like his, he is unstoppable and surely runnin’ the race he was born to win.

I know this boy is not perfect, but I know that his heart is given to a perfect God, the same God to whom I've given mine. I wish that somehow Oduwa would read this, but he doesn't even know I'm doin' this. Sometimes a girl just has to brag on her man, right?

So... in conclusion, I ask you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury to declare my Osagioduwa Eweka amazin' because... well, he helps me bloom.

INSECURITY

Insecurity is defined as uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence; self-doubt; worry; unease. Most of us struggle with insecurity on some level or another; questionin’ and doubtin’ ourselves. We tend to look outwardly for acceptance and affirmation to somehow establish some sort of identity. When we can't find it in others we just fake it until we make it, hidin’ behind the facade we've created with the hopes that no one will see the insecure person behind the mask.

I have battled with insecurities all my life and if there is one thing I know for sure, it is that if you are strugglin’ with insecurity, you are most definitely strugglin’ with other issues and when we get down to the nitty-gritty of it all, we find that it's root cause is rejection. As a young child my teachers would choose other kids over me because I was shy and inexpressive. It left me feeling rejected. Then when it came to men and dating, I was extremely insecure. "Will he leave me too?" "Maybe, if I do this or that he will stay with me." You see that cycle? Fast forward some years and I can go on and on about the different stages in my life where insecurities were a stronghold in my relationships; with men, with friends and even my own family. And the thing about insecurity is that it ruins your relationships. Not just the one you have with others, but also the one with yourself.

The fact is, we cannot base our security on our spouses or boyfriends bein’ faithful to us, or our girlfriends bein’ loyal to us, or our parents bein’ present in our lives. I mean, what if they die? We need to know that God is our security, that he does not change even when everyone else has. We need to know who we are, more importantly, who we are in Christ.

In Him, we are complete, alive and set apart. Therefore, we do not need to question and compare ourselves to others. Recognize that you can never compare to anyone else and no one can ever compare to you. He didn't design us that way. He created us in our own unique and beautiful way. Embrace it and work on being content with your portion. Let go of insecurities and bloom.

RACE AT YOUR PACE

Ever feel like you’re always backward? Like way way behind with your schedules, slow in graspin' all you need to learn, late with all the trendin' news? I find myself in these categories most times.

I’m usually already awake fifteen to twenty minutes before my alarm rings. And as much as every inch of me would love to fall back asleep, I just don’t. So I’d often reach for my phone and hold it till the briskness of the alarm tone pops my eyes open and wills my feet to the floor. Then I’d grope through the darkness, to turn on the light. So my day starts with the hope that I can be on time with and on top of the things I should get done, but it rarely feels like I’m gettin' there at all.

I happen to be pursuin' a higher degree in a field different from what I studied as an undergraduate and there are moments durin' my classes when I feel slow, uncoordinated and insecure (you know, like a fish out of water – not comprehendin' what the man at the board is sayin'). There have also been several times at my choir rehearsals when I’m the last one to score a song or get the notes right. Sometimes I feel frustrated, weak and clumsy bein' at the last place, but I’m not about to give up. Not especially after months of pushing through the darkness at dark O’ clock hours in my best effort to study or pluggin' in those earpieces at wee hours of the morn’ and strainin' so hard, listenin' for my parts in a song.

This has taught me a lesson, not just for schoolin' or for singing, but for life. Every day, I have a choice to simply run the race I’m on, or lament the fact that I’m unable to run at a pace like everyone else and just give up. I won’t be doing myself any favour if I keep comparin' my path and pace with those of others. I only have to keep doin' it and givin' it my all; even on days when I don’t think I can take another step or finish at the same time as others.

We all have our paths. It may seem like our  paths are the same, but each person’s race is unique with a route set out specifically for them.

You are not called to run the race of your sister, your friend, your colleague or your neighbour. You are called to run your own race in your own lane at your own pace, even if you’re getting passed by those on other lanes around you, even if it feels like you’re two metres or five years behind. It doesn’t matter so much that you’re the last one to get to the finish line. What matters more is that you made it to your destination, that you enjoyed your journey without puttin' yourself through the torture of comparin' it with that of another.

This doesn't mean that you shouldn't care at all if your pace is slow. Examine your heart of hearts and ensure you're giving your best shot to your pace. I complained to a friend once about my dissatisfaction with my progress at school and his clear and simple advice was: "do your thing at your pace, but do it well".

Pump your legs as hard as you can on your path, be happy to even be runnin' a race at all and place little importance on the gap between you and others. It may feel like everyone else is so much further down the road, but just keep up and plug away at your own pace. Wake up daily and live the life you’ve been given. Bloom!