Say Nay Sometimes

Some days ago, messages trickled into my inbox and just lookin' at all of them felt overwhelming. There was someone who wanted to catch up, another wanted to know if I could help with his project, a course mate wanted me to send her my thoughts on a certain topic, a group I’m a part of needs me to RSVP for a rendezvous, someone who visited me wants me to return the favor, another remindin’ me to attend a specific conference, a close friend needs some advice and hopes we can have some time to talk, a friend of a friend wonders if I’d have some time to help guide her through knottin' bags.

For almost every single one of them I have a reason to say yes (well…this one paid me a visit so it’s only fair I return the love… this one’s a really good friend… this should only take me thirty minutes… this one is from someone who never asks me for anything, so I ought to come through the first time… this one would be fun to do… this one would help improve my skills too… and well, one is a cause I am responsible for. Almost all of them deserve a yes, but at the time, none of them would get my best yes.

I should say no, but then the thoughts come; “I don’t want to miss out on doing something worthwhile, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by turnin' them down, I want to help. I want to support my network and give my time more lavishly.” I knew deep down that I couldn't commit to all of them and keep up with my own schedule for the day, not even for people I love, not even for relationships that are important to me.

Sometimes,“no” is the loving truth you can say to anyone. If you want to get some things done, perhaps finish a task with a deadline, you’re gonna have to say no to or put a pause on other things like seeing friends, traveling, etc.– somethin' has to give way. So you have to say no to a lot of events, to projects, to people. And yes, sayin' no is hard! Especially if you’re a people pleaser.

We cannot say yes to every request that is made of us, even if we wanted to. We cannot also please everyone, no matter how much we try - surely we all know that now. It is purely impossible to stay true to yourself if you have to be at everyone’s beck and call all the time, or do their every bidding. Stayin' true to yourself would mean disappointin' others sometimes.

If you’re going to say no, you’re likely to fall into the temptation to assuage your guilt and this could lead to saying no in a not-so-good way. It isn’t helpful do a trade by barter, like sayin' “No, I can’t do what you’re asking, but I can do this instead.” This leaves you feelin' obligated and still committed in some way. You shouldn’t try to justify your "no" either by apologizin' or givin' a long explanation to why you can’t give a "yes". Explanations in the long run tend to defeat the whole essence of saying no.

It’s not exactly ideal to play the delay game either: “I can’t do this right now, but let’s see how the weekend goes.” This is like puttin' off a task to when you’d be committed to other things. It’s like tryin' to find a way to say yes when what you mean to say is no. In the end, you feel just as bad because all the excuses and postponements do not free up head space, plus you realize that sayin' one thing and meanin' another is not the path to integrity.

The way to say no to people is to keep it short and simple.  That way, they don’t get to hear your sob story and you don’t get to have a pity party either. Truth is, the temptation to drag on will come and I assure you that it’s easier said than done. When you eventually get around to saying it, it may not feel cozy at first; it may come with a little bit of fear and panic, but you’d both be better for it.

As much as possible, avoid promisin' to make up for turnin' someone down. In some cases, makin' a promise or doin' a barter will be appropriate. In others, it’s best to give a firm and clear "no", without gettin' hopes up or draggin' the process. Affirm them and their request in a way that communicates that you respect the fact that they asked you (it’s a big deal to ask for help).  That way, even if they still feel hurt or disappointed, they’d know at least that you turned them down politely. While it’s not advisable to make promises, encourage them to ask at another time or to not decline from makin' future requests when the need arises.

If you’re wont to pleasin' people, you may believe that you have to say yes to people you love all the time. This shouldn’t be. If they really love you, turnin' down some of their requests legitimately won’t change anything. If you have to dance and sing to their beats all the time to keep them lovin' you, you’d have to keep payin' this price for their love as long as it lasts.

Stay true to yourself even if it means disappointin' another, it’s not narcissism. And expect that from others too, even if it means they will say no to you at some point. Take yes or no responses as they come, with no hard feelings. This is one way to bloom!