Thursday 17 August 2017

DEPRESSION

I experienced a period of depression last year. Somethin' I have never comprehended before. If you know me personally, you know that though I have a melancholic demure, I am more or less as happy as a puppy in mud. I am perpetually worry-free. All the time. Well, most of the time. I wouldn't say it's because of some zen balance I have or some cheerful wisdom. It is simply my disposition, as given to me as my skin colour or height. I've always been that way. And because of that, I have always struggled to understand depression. I am usually so happy to be alive, so grateful, that depression always seemed an insult to God.

But August 2016 changed that for me. Somethin' happened to my brain, my serotonin or whatever it is called was off on vacation, and I became miserable. I didn't want to get off the bed for my run in the mornings. I couldn't comprehend someone lovin' me. I could neither laugh at House of Payne nor Jenifa's Diary (and if you know me, that's insane). My depression, no, it's not mine. That depression wasn't passive, it wasn't just boredom or an absence of joy... it was a pulsing, active sadness. A mind racin' with misery. This was wholly new to me. My mind was swarmin' with the futility of me. I remember lyin' on the sofa wonderin' "is my brain broken? Is this me now? Is this my life? Is this how I kill myself?"

I don't talk about the devil much. I hate to give him too much press or credit. But sometimes, there's no way around it. He’s got to be called out for who he really is - a liar. He toys with our hearts, messes up our minds with lies. And boy, you' re done for if you believe him. That's what happened to me. I paid attention to him and he did so serve me his lies.

Then came September with quite a handful of heart-wrenchin' news for me. The irony however? That depression, it was over, it ended. I was myself again. As randomly as it had shown up, it left. Though I woke up heartbroken all month long, I gradually felt the beauty of the world return. It was as if God turned his face from me. And then he looked back again and touched me, held me.

I was so amazed by the organ of the human brain. Shaken up really, humbled by its fragility and physicality. We have all these ethereal constructs for self and soul, but take a chemical out of your brain, and you change. Lookin' back one year after, I have new empathy and respect for depression. Well... For the people who lived and died with it. For people who carry that weight. I am amazed by their strength really.

This time last year, I walked into a deep valley that, if I could tell you at the time, I was not prepared to walk through. I look back now and say, "it was for His glory and my good." I am not the same woman that I was a year ago, and judgin' from that experience, I am far from the woman I need to be. But great is His faithfulness unto me, I still bloom!

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