EACH OF US IS LAYERED, COMPLEX AND MANY

Who you are can shift with who you're with. Different people bring out different aspects of your personality. You can probably see this in your friendships. Hang with one friend and you're hilarious. A different friend and you're deep and calm. Another and you're sinister and a prankster. We all contain multitudes, and only by the unique mixology of each person with another do we really get to know ourselves.

I notice this mostly when my friends start datin' someone who doesn't quite fit the mold. The added energy or lack thereof from the new person throws me off, confuses me about the unspoken desires of my friend, and can affect even how I see my compadre. I might see the hole in my friend's identity that they're fillin’ with this new person, and be surprised by their inner life, one I never knew.

On the flip side, some relationships I know are fire and fuel, in the best way. They ignite what is wonderful in each other, and I love to hang out with them together as much as I do apart. For me, that's the end goal.

Sometimes I wish I could just decide, based on reason, who I am and who I get attracted to. I've tried, trust me. But the cruel beauty of the heart is that it speaks in an ancient language, as deep as instinct, and can hardly be reasoned with. You do not know your heart. The head and the heart bicker. And I pray that one day, in one person... they'll both, finally, agree.

In the meantime, I'll be mixin’ my spirit with all the ingredients around me, the personalities and idiosyncrasies, and meeting myself in them and them in me. That way, I may also bloom!

His Plans Differ

As humans, we can all relate to a time we were tired, worn out, stressed, pushed to our breakin' point, and wonderin' where God was. Is it those tests we studied our hardest for, only to receive a bad grade? Is it those moments when our dreams seem in reach but are suddenly wretched away? Too numerous to list.

We ask: why does God allow that to happen to us, His people? How can we trust in Him disappointment after disappointment?

In the recent past, I had my fair share of disappointin' experiences. I went into post-graduate studies excited and ready to find the perfect job afterwards. Along the line, I was catapulted into a job that appeared to be one for the future. However, things turned sour and all I have to show for huge investments of my time, energy and money is rejection and betrayal. In my mind, I did everythin' to ensure I would stay on the job. I have good grades, I was heavily involved in researches related that field, I feel like I performed well in my interviews and on top of that, I prayed for it to happen. Still, I was shoved out.

Honestly, why won’t God allow somethin' to come easily just this once? The first few minutes after the news came, I was scared, wonderin' how I was ever goin' to find a job when I have very little experience and when many of my peers seem to be gettin' jobs as quickly as bread flies off the racks at Shoprite. I am not exaggerating. Frankly, in those minutes, I was pretty fed up with God and His apparently “great plans.”

“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.”- Proverbs 16:9 “A lot is cast into the lap, but it’s every decision is from the Lord.”- Proverbs 17: 33 “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trust in Him, and I am helped.”- Psalm 28: 7 “I sought the Lord and He answered me, He delivered me from all my fears.”- Psalm 34:4

Though these words brought me comfort, I was still a girl without a job and tryin' to find my path. The ironic thing is throughout that whole week, my devotional said somethin' about trustin' in God and waitin' on His timing. I love one of the quotes I found: "when you're weary and everythin' seems to be goin' wrong, you can still utter these fours words: I trust You, Jesus."

How many times do we completely discount God when the things in our lives seem to go wrong? We doubt, cry, and pout like a toddler whose mother didn't buy what she wanted at the supermarket. Why don’t we rejoice instead? Why are we so quick to forget all the times God rescued us? Why do we forget the things God is doin' in our lives right this second that enable us to survive?

As difficult as it can be to believe and as often as people suggest James 1:2 (as if readin' that verse magically solves your problems), it’s still true. Life is not easy, but God never promises it will be. We can’t control the plans of our lives or what direction they will take, but we can change our attitude durin' times of trial and disappointments. We can choose to thank God for all He has done and the faithfulness He has shown us in the past. We can choose to take delight in the gift of each day. And we can rejoice when life twists our carefully orchestrated plans.

It is not easy. On the contrary, it takes plenty of work. God is usin' what you're goin' through right now to prepare you for somethin' in the future that you don’t have any idea about. Maybe the job was taken away because it will prevent me from a greater opportunity. Maybe God is protectin' me from a horrible boss. Maybe it happened so that I'd find time for other things. Maybe he's stoppin' me from buildin' a career in a path different from his plan for me, because it's not clear to me yet what I want to do with the rest of my life that is comin' immanently closer every second.

For the Lord is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless. -Psalm 84:11

This verse doesn’t say you won’t be crushed at times in life, disappointed, and even devastated by God’s circumstances, but it does say that God is sovereign and He is protectin' us from ourselves.  Our best does not necessarily equal His best.

If you are in a period of waitin' and disappointments are poppin' left, right and centre, God has not forgotten you. Though you might not get the endin' you wanted, God is still providin' for you despite your doubt. Today, try to desire the plans and things God wants to give you instead of what you think you deserve. Remember, without disappointments we would not be able to fully bloom.

YOU ARE AMAZIN'

Again and again, I see how easy it is to say those words to someone else and how hard it is to believe it for myself when told. I think there are three main reasons for this:

My stunted self-worth. I’ve laid so much of my identity on the altar of public opinion, cultural sway, performance, status, and the desire to be known. And in so doing, my truest identity; the one in Christ, gets lost under the pile.

My misguided views about humility. "Amazing?" I say to myself. "What a prideful view to have!" But truthfully, God isn't just "okay" with me. He doesn't simply tolerate me. He didn't create me and then whisper, "oops, what have I done?" I was made intentionally, and because the One who crafted me is the king of the whole universe, I am indeed a pretty amazin' creation.

My familiarity with the messes that no one else sees. The truth is, we all know the yuck of our own pasts. I know where I have failed others, and where I have failed God. I know all the un-amazin' things I've said, done and thought.

These reasons notwithstanding, I am still an amazin' person and so are you. We are not what we do. We are not how we feel or what we struggle with or even what we have accomplished. We are who God says we are. Sometimes we get paralyzed by insecurity because we define ourselves by our failures. Sometimes, we tie so tightly our identity to our talents or success that when we mess up or realize someone is more talented; we don’t know who we are anymore. Let’s define ourselves the way God does – amazing; no more, no less! We are made for amazing things. Each of us are here for "such a time as this," for purposes set out for us long ago. Our time here is short, so very short. If you’re anything like me, maybe 2017 can be the year when we let go of our stunted self-worth, our misguided views about humility, and our past regrets.

It's a new year. You are an amazin' person, and you are made for amazin' things. So, say it loud and say it proud: "I am amazing, therefore, I bloom!"

GOD IS REAL, GOOD, PRESENT & WORKIN'

One day everythin’ is perfect, and the next, it's not. Life is funny like that I guess, a constant set of waves ever changin’ and constantly rolling in. Goodness and hardship. Happy then sad. Perfect and imperfect.

It's easy for me to think that I can handle everythin’ that comes my way. That I can squash the doubt and insecurities and keep movin’ forward in the struggle against the waves. But then one big wave comes in and knocks me down to my knees. It's easy when there is nothin’ to worry about. When things are so good, the only thing that worries you is change - the next wave. But I have found recently more than any other time that things cannot always be perfect. Things will not always be our idea of good. Life is sometimes messy and hard. And that's ok. Because when things ain't perfect, and you're tired and you feel like a failure and maybe even a loser, that's when grace shows up. Grace is what a loser needs most. We have got to rest in it.

For now, I will just be thankful. Thankful for this day. Thankful for my life. Thankful for my God. Thankful for my family. Thankful that I have people and things to be thankful for, which is just in a big way another reminder that life isn't always perfect, but that God is real and good and present and working. That is all that I require. I don't need to know more. That is what I will tell my heart every day. That is what I need to bloom.

"FOR I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU..."

Once upon a time a few years ago, I was at Faith Clinic, the prayer meeting service of my church. I came that evening grudgingly - I didn't particularly feel close to God at the time - bad habits, a busy schedule, distractions and sin kept me at a distance from the Lord. The worst part is that I grew comfortable in my lukewarmness and didn't want a reminder that my soul was growin' cold.

I sat through most of the service with my thoughts wanderin' to everythin' but God. I tried to pray. But the words wouldn't come. Even as the people around me clearly experienced the Lord's presence, I sat numb and uncomfortable.

I don't remember what broke me. Maybe it was the preacher who said somethin' that struck a chord in my heart, but on the last prayer of the service, the walls came crumblin' down swiftly and quickly. As I bawled my eyes out and prayed incoherent words, I asked God to lead me... to tell me what He wanted from me.

"Jeremiah 29:11," I heard so audibly, I glanced up to see if someone around me had said it. But everyone was prayin' around me, not sparin' me a glance.

Now, I don't really know verses of the bible by heart, I'd always mix up the references. I may have grown up in the church and read the Bible, but I did not have Scriptures references memorized (let alone venture into the Prophets or the Old Testament often). But as I opened my Bible, tryin' to find where the book of Jeremiah was, because I was so shaken and clumsy in that moment, I read these words and they became the anthem of my heart from then on: "For I know the plans I have for you....". This was a verse I have heard recited every so often. How could I not tell that that was Jeremiah 29:11? Maybe if the voice had just reeled out the sentence, I would not have known that was the place in the bible because I would not have looked through.

I drew comfort, hope and strength from those words. They sustained me through that season and led me to the next. They were with me as I arose every morning and even now.

But those words aren't just for me or Jeremiah. They're for you too. God knows the plans He has for you, and they are good plans. Let Him lead you to where trust is without borders. There will be ups and downs, but I promise you, under His watchful care and guidance, you will flourish and bloom.

Lesson Learnt

"How do you know s/he's the one?"

That's a question most "about-to-wed"s get asked more often than they might expect. Normally, most of them would say that they “just knew”. This however, is usually not the case.

A few weeks after someone asked me that question, my first relationship fell apart. Or more accurately, the few threads I’d been desperately tryin' to hold together in the last two years of that relationship finally came unraveled. The irony!

Four years after the end of that relationship, I feel like I want to share what I learnt. And if I could give a piece of advice that will make that question less complicated, it would be to spend less time tryin' to figure out how to dress, how to act, how not to act, when to text, when not to text, who should call etc. and more time askin' the more inportant questions.

How do you feel about yourself when you're in this person’s presence? Can you tell him/her what you think—even if it will hurt his/her feelings? Are you able to let your guard down in front of him/her? Are you able to hear what s/he has to say even when it's difficult? Do you tell him/her how he/she makes you feel? Do you enjoy his/her company? Would you rather be with him/her than by yourself?

We spend so much time worryin' about how much schoolin' they've had, what kind of job they do, what kind of car they drive et al. Not that these questions are wrong; it’s just that their answers can easily be manipulated. A person can accomplish a lot without character and integrity.

Only time can provide true answers to the more important questions because those things cannot be rushed. I’m not sayin' it will take forever to get answers. What I'm sayin' is that you should cut yourself some slack. Give yourself the time you need to be clear about the relationship and how it affects the peace of your being. It will take a different amount of time for everyone, so there's no need to beat yourself up if it takes longer than others.

And yes, you’re gettin' older every day and more and more of your friends are getting engaged on social media and it feels like you are the last one and you’re goin' to be left behind. I know there's a chance that if you wait “too long”, the person you’re datin' might not stay long enough for you to decide and just walk away. But the truth is: what is for you will not pass you by. It's the rest of your life, you cannot come and go and mess it up. 😁

Findin' the “right person” is not the point of your wait. Who you are becomin' is the point. Learn to speak your truth to the one you're with, terrifyin' as it may be. We spend most of our time tryin' to veil the truth, tryin' not to say anythin' that will make us too vulnerable, or hurt anyone’s feelings, or make us seem “too forward”. What’s better than findin' a life partner is learnin' to be at home with yourself.

Back to what I've learnt from endin' a relationship! A relationship that ends is not your life's endin' nor is it a failure tag on you. Sadly, I was one to judge people for breakin' up. I didn’t know I was doin' it until I found me in the same place. It's not like I sat around thinkin' they were terrible at their relationships, but I did think that that would never happen to me. Breakin' up was not an option for me. I was strong, I told myself then. No matter what happened, I'd fight to keep my relationship goin' and I did fight. Even when it was drainin' me, I kept tellin' myself that if I could only fight harder, I could save us.

The most depressin' question as people began to know of the split was: “so you couldn’t just make it work?” As much as that made me feel like a failure, it took a while for me to realize that the outcome of that relationship does not reflect or define the resilience of my soul. Did I think I'd have a break up? No. That was not the story I asked for, nor was it what I dreamed about.

The end of a relationship, I have come to learn isn’t always the result of a lack of fighting. Sometimes the strongest thing one can do is to let go. You can do all the right things and still break up. So do not be so quick to judge your efforts by outcomes in life. I needed to learn that a broken relationship is not a failed life.

I hope you don’t have to go through a break up. Truly. But I also want you to know that even if you do go through one—or another kind of heartbreak all together—you are goin' to be okay. You are powerful and resilient and incredible and not a minute is wasted. Not your dating life, not your singlelife, not your post-breakup life.

Just know that that beautiful, totally resilient version of you is unfoldin' in full bloom.

INFLUENCE

It's not about the number of followers you have but about the influence and relationships you have with your followers. If you only have a few followers and those followers are incredibly engaged with you, then you're more influential than someone else who has a million followers but no true relationship with them.

So often we think that to have true influence, we first need a hundred thousand followers on our social media accounts, blogs, ministry or life in general; or maybe that we need a special kind of job, ministry or platform. But all we really need is to invest our time in one person. To be faithful in little things before God entrusts us with more.

Start where you are today. Put your head down and work away at what God has given you now. Even if it feels discouraging. Even if no one is reading, listenin' or watching.

And BTW, you don't need a job, a blog or a ministry to feel like you're doing your part. Your influence is in those around you. They are your followers. Engage with them first. Plant seeds in their hearts and watch them bloom.