UNLATCH THAT DOOR

Lately, I have received several calls and reminders that soon it’d be my birthday again. And this time, one of those milestone ages for that matter. I look at my life so far and I am filled gratitude. I am particularly thankful for a blessed year and hopeful a replica and even better in the comin’ years. I look upon my life from yesteryears to see how far I am from the kid I was and how much I am changin’ too; these words come to mind – fear, weak, dull. As a child, I was so timid and always so afraid. Shyness basically controlled my life and tormented me. It was the demon that clinched so tight it sucked the life out of me and followed me into adulthood.

I didn’t want to be seen and you would barely even notice me but my screamin’ silence always eventually drew attention. I was so shy and embarrassed to speak, much less, greet people around. During the day, I’d try so hard to be anywhere but the front or up on a stage and then at night, I’d make sure my feet do not stick out of the bedcovers and my head peaked out just enough to keep me from suffocating (I hate to sleep this way, and as with many other things, I’d literally put myself through pain and discomfort just to be invisible).

Outside, I’d duck behind people to hide from strangers or pretend to be lost readin’ a book when people spoke to me. Then there were pictures! Oh, I dreaded takin’ them. I always stood so immobile in all my personal pictures, with a look that suggested fear. And if ever we had to take group pictures, I was sure to find my way behind or at a forgotten corner. As I grew and began to have the privilege to choose my own seat in school, I’d often take those at the edges of a third row or further behind; preferably close to the door, so I could race out as soon as classes were over. And of the several reasons I wanted to be a pharmacist was the thought that it was one career where I don’t have to be seen or heard… imagine that! Who thinks that way?

In secondary school, I wouldn’t play sports because I feared the spotlight it put on those involved. I didn’t mingle with my mates because I feared they wouldn’t want to keep a friendship with me.

There are many more examples of how timidity was makin’ me stupid and drawin’ me to a life of mediocrity… but God didn’t let it happen. He took me instead and put the love of a language so strong in me and that changed the course of my life. It was a gradual and painful change and it is still sometimes challengin’ too, but it gets better. Not only did this change give me exposure and demand that I be outspoken, it brought me in contact with people whose acquaintance affected my life for good. It also gave me many opportunities to overcome my overbearin’ timidity.

Though I’m still tryin’ to understand how and why God changed my life for His purpose, I feel more liberated, equipped and prepared to live life. Unlike in the past when I was mostly unsure of whatever I did, I now feel empowered to walk in the destiny of my true identity and unique calling. It’s been excitin’ to learn and walk daily into the truth of who I am – beyond any talk or quote from speakers and books. The revelation in the core of my being; that I am a daughter of the king and part of an unshakeable kingdom has utterly transformed my being – I know whose I am and who I am.

Now, am I perfect? Absolutely not - I still struggle with shyness and stage fright but with a better view and a willingness and determination to conquer it. At least I can say that I am not nearly as I once was because hard as it may be, I rarely turn down responsibilities now. Plus, I fidget less before, while and after facing an audience. I serve as a youth leader in my local church and can confidently lead a worship session. I worked briefly in a school where I’d have to stand before and talk to a group of pupils and learnin’ facilitators alike. I’ve had to present papers before my classmates and lecturers. I’ve learnt to smile and be the first to say hi – it’s still sometimes frightening and daunting to do that, but it doesn’t hurt.

There are really no hard and fast rules for overcomin’ timidity. Confidence knocks at the door of your life all the time, but the latch is on the inside and can only be opened by you. Then allow the freedom and peace that comes from knowin’ you can be bold and that you are not on your own consume you and thrust you into a place of absolute surrender. If you want fulfillment in life beyond what you imagine, you gotta unlatch the door, step out of your comfort zone into your courage zone and bloom!

JUST BECAUSE...

No special occasion. Only because we’re together. Sometimes, you just choose to stop and intentionally acknowledge you’re with someone, and bein' together is good.

Kuekue

Today, a mutual acquaintance asked me “what did you see in him?” I could only respond: “Eweka is visionary… I saw a man that’s headin' for somewhere that is clear to him.” I should have said more, but I couldn't. Now that I've taken time to ponder on that question about the man I am in love with, I admit that I do not know every quirk in his personality, but here are a few things to know about him:

Annoyin’ as he could get sometimes, he has a sense of humour that can calm the highest level of rage. Just as he personifies friendship, Osagioduwa and zeal are interchangeable to me; he’s the most zealous person I know. He can have a million brilliant ideas in just one minute and his insight is incredible! He is relentless in the pursuit of his dreams and never settles for less than absolute best. In the same way, he inspires me and others to be better in every way, to dig deeper and shine brighter.

He is the very embodiment of the phrase: “where there is a will, there is a way”. I am yet to meet someone else with a stronger will than this guy. His lips are soft enough to smile and firm enough to say no. His love is so wide, it takes the whole of me and others in. He is big enough to be gentle and brave enough to be thoughtful. He is generous and helpful; Osagioduwa would give you the shirt off his back…literally. I’ve seen him give so much of his time and energy to people, things and worthy causes.

He is a gift that keeps on giving. The two years plus that we’ve been together have been the least inactive, most productive and greatest growth season of my life. He seems to always know what to do or say. And with a drive like his, he is unstoppable and surely runnin’ the race he was born to win.

I know this boy is not perfect, but I know that his heart is given to a perfect God, the same God to whom I've given mine. I wish that somehow Oduwa would read this, but he doesn't even know I'm doin' this. Sometimes a girl just has to brag on her man, right?

So... in conclusion, I ask you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury to declare my Osagioduwa Eweka amazin' because... well, he helps me bloom.

INSECURITY

Insecurity is defined as uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence; self-doubt; worry; unease. Most of us struggle with insecurity on some level or another; questionin’ and doubtin’ ourselves. We tend to look outwardly for acceptance and affirmation to somehow establish some sort of identity. When we can't find it in others we just fake it until we make it, hidin’ behind the facade we've created with the hopes that no one will see the insecure person behind the mask.

I have battled with insecurities all my life and if there is one thing I know for sure, it is that if you are strugglin’ with insecurity, you are most definitely strugglin’ with other issues and when we get down to the nitty-gritty of it all, we find that it's root cause is rejection. As a young child my teachers would choose other kids over me because I was shy and inexpressive. It left me feeling rejected. Then when it came to men and dating, I was extremely insecure. "Will he leave me too?" "Maybe, if I do this or that he will stay with me." You see that cycle? Fast forward some years and I can go on and on about the different stages in my life where insecurities were a stronghold in my relationships; with men, with friends and even my own family. And the thing about insecurity is that it ruins your relationships. Not just the one you have with others, but also the one with yourself.

The fact is, we cannot base our security on our spouses or boyfriends bein’ faithful to us, or our girlfriends bein’ loyal to us, or our parents bein’ present in our lives. I mean, what if they die? We need to know that God is our security, that he does not change even when everyone else has. We need to know who we are, more importantly, who we are in Christ.

In Him, we are complete, alive and set apart. Therefore, we do not need to question and compare ourselves to others. Recognize that you can never compare to anyone else and no one can ever compare to you. He didn't design us that way. He created us in our own unique and beautiful way. Embrace it and work on being content with your portion. Let go of insecurities and bloom.

RACE AT YOUR PACE

Ever feel like you’re always backward? Like way way behind with your schedules, slow in graspin' all you need to learn, late with all the trendin' news? I find myself in these categories most times.

I’m usually already awake fifteen to twenty minutes before my alarm rings. And as much as every inch of me would love to fall back asleep, I just don’t. So I’d often reach for my phone and hold it till the briskness of the alarm tone pops my eyes open and wills my feet to the floor. Then I’d grope through the darkness, to turn on the light. So my day starts with the hope that I can be on time with and on top of the things I should get done, but it rarely feels like I’m gettin' there at all.

I happen to be pursuin' a higher degree in a field different from what I studied as an undergraduate and there are moments durin' my classes when I feel slow, uncoordinated and insecure (you know, like a fish out of water – not comprehendin' what the man at the board is sayin'). There have also been several times at my choir rehearsals when I’m the last one to score a song or get the notes right. Sometimes I feel frustrated, weak and clumsy bein' at the last place, but I’m not about to give up. Not especially after months of pushing through the darkness at dark O’ clock hours in my best effort to study or pluggin' in those earpieces at wee hours of the morn’ and strainin' so hard, listenin' for my parts in a song.

This has taught me a lesson, not just for schoolin' or for singing, but for life. Every day, I have a choice to simply run the race I’m on, or lament the fact that I’m unable to run at a pace like everyone else and just give up. I won’t be doing myself any favour if I keep comparin' my path and pace with those of others. I only have to keep doin' it and givin' it my all; even on days when I don’t think I can take another step or finish at the same time as others.

We all have our paths. It may seem like our  paths are the same, but each person’s race is unique with a route set out specifically for them.

You are not called to run the race of your sister, your friend, your colleague or your neighbour. You are called to run your own race in your own lane at your own pace, even if you’re getting passed by those on other lanes around you, even if it feels like you’re two metres or five years behind. It doesn’t matter so much that you’re the last one to get to the finish line. What matters more is that you made it to your destination, that you enjoyed your journey without puttin' yourself through the torture of comparin' it with that of another.

This doesn't mean that you shouldn't care at all if your pace is slow. Examine your heart of hearts and ensure you're giving your best shot to your pace. I complained to a friend once about my dissatisfaction with my progress at school and his clear and simple advice was: "do your thing at your pace, but do it well".

Pump your legs as hard as you can on your path, be happy to even be runnin' a race at all and place little importance on the gap between you and others. It may feel like everyone else is so much further down the road, but just keep up and plug away at your own pace. Wake up daily and live the life you’ve been given. Bloom!

Say Nay Sometimes

Some days ago, messages trickled into my inbox and just lookin' at all of them felt overwhelming. There was someone who wanted to catch up, another wanted to know if I could help with his project, a course mate wanted me to send her my thoughts on a certain topic, a group I’m a part of needs me to RSVP for a rendezvous, someone who visited me wants me to return the favor, another remindin’ me to attend a specific conference, a close friend needs some advice and hopes we can have some time to talk, a friend of a friend wonders if I’d have some time to help guide her through knottin' bags.

For almost every single one of them I have a reason to say yes (well…this one paid me a visit so it’s only fair I return the love… this one’s a really good friend… this should only take me thirty minutes… this one is from someone who never asks me for anything, so I ought to come through the first time… this one would be fun to do… this one would help improve my skills too… and well, one is a cause I am responsible for. Almost all of them deserve a yes, but at the time, none of them would get my best yes.

I should say no, but then the thoughts come; “I don’t want to miss out on doing something worthwhile, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by turnin' them down, I want to help. I want to support my network and give my time more lavishly.” I knew deep down that I couldn't commit to all of them and keep up with my own schedule for the day, not even for people I love, not even for relationships that are important to me.

Sometimes,“no” is the loving truth you can say to anyone. If you want to get some things done, perhaps finish a task with a deadline, you’re gonna have to say no to or put a pause on other things like seeing friends, traveling, etc.– somethin' has to give way. So you have to say no to a lot of events, to projects, to people. And yes, sayin' no is hard! Especially if you’re a people pleaser.

We cannot say yes to every request that is made of us, even if we wanted to. We cannot also please everyone, no matter how much we try - surely we all know that now. It is purely impossible to stay true to yourself if you have to be at everyone’s beck and call all the time, or do their every bidding. Stayin' true to yourself would mean disappointin' others sometimes.

If you’re going to say no, you’re likely to fall into the temptation to assuage your guilt and this could lead to saying no in a not-so-good way. It isn’t helpful do a trade by barter, like sayin' “No, I can’t do what you’re asking, but I can do this instead.” This leaves you feelin' obligated and still committed in some way. You shouldn’t try to justify your "no" either by apologizin' or givin' a long explanation to why you can’t give a "yes". Explanations in the long run tend to defeat the whole essence of saying no.

It’s not exactly ideal to play the delay game either: “I can’t do this right now, but let’s see how the weekend goes.” This is like puttin' off a task to when you’d be committed to other things. It’s like tryin' to find a way to say yes when what you mean to say is no. In the end, you feel just as bad because all the excuses and postponements do not free up head space, plus you realize that sayin' one thing and meanin' another is not the path to integrity.

The way to say no to people is to keep it short and simple.  That way, they don’t get to hear your sob story and you don’t get to have a pity party either. Truth is, the temptation to drag on will come and I assure you that it’s easier said than done. When you eventually get around to saying it, it may not feel cozy at first; it may come with a little bit of fear and panic, but you’d both be better for it.

As much as possible, avoid promisin' to make up for turnin' someone down. In some cases, makin' a promise or doin' a barter will be appropriate. In others, it’s best to give a firm and clear "no", without gettin' hopes up or draggin' the process. Affirm them and their request in a way that communicates that you respect the fact that they asked you (it’s a big deal to ask for help).  That way, even if they still feel hurt or disappointed, they’d know at least that you turned them down politely. While it’s not advisable to make promises, encourage them to ask at another time or to not decline from makin' future requests when the need arises.

If you’re wont to pleasin' people, you may believe that you have to say yes to people you love all the time. This shouldn’t be. If they really love you, turnin' down some of their requests legitimately won’t change anything. If you have to dance and sing to their beats all the time to keep them lovin' you, you’d have to keep payin' this price for their love as long as it lasts.

Stay true to yourself even if it means disappointin' another, it’s not narcissism. And expect that from others too, even if it means they will say no to you at some point. Take yes or no responses as they come, with no hard feelings. This is one way to bloom!

LEAH

It’s becoming a trend these days to see young women get pregnant just to get a man to marry them. What’s annoying is to hear some complain after accomplishing their mission that their “husbands” would hear nothing of their babies, let alone give them any attention or show them affection. This is mostly a bad idea.

In the twenty ninth chapter of the first book of the bible, we meet Leah – Laban’s older daughter. The first few verses that introduce us to Leah put her in comparison with her sister, Rachel; “Leah had lovely eyes, but Rachel was shapely and in every way a beauty”. Apparently, it was the stunningly beautiful younger sister that Jacob wanted for a wife. But Leah was married off to Jacob, even though he didn’t choose her.

Leah was like one of today’s women, married to a man who didn’t love her. In spite of Jacob’s betrayal and plans to get Rachel - the wife of his choice, the real love of his life - Leah kept a glimmer of hope, believing that someday she would be cherished and adored by her husband.

The bible tells us that the lord saw that Leah was unloved, so he gave her a son and she named him Reuben meaning “look, it’s a boy”. She said to herself, “this is a sign that God has seen my misery and a sign that now my husband will love me because I have given him an heir”. Bearing her husband a son didn’t do the trick; she was still unloved. She bore another boy and christened him Simeon which means “”God heard”. Again, she said to herself, “Jehovah heard that I am still lonely and gave me another son, my husband will love me now”. This still did not make her the chosen one. Leah gave birth a third time to a boy and named him Levi (meaning connected). For she said “surely now my husband will be drawn to me since I have given him three sons. How wrong she was! She was still not loved, well maybe not just as much as Rachel.

Leah conceived once more and gave birth to yet another boy. This time, she called her son Judah which simply means praise. She had said “now I will praise the lord”. She simply put her trust and her love in God this time and gave up trying to win her husband’s affection through her efforts. God did accept her praise alright. Judah, her last son for whom she praised God was the patriarch of David’s lineage, of which Jesus was also a descendant. And no doubt, God had been listening to her cry when child after child, she still couldn’t get her husband to fall in love with her. Of course, He saw that she was lonely and brokenhearted but He wanted her to realize that He was sufficient for her and she eventually did.

Getting pregnant or having a child just to make a partner stay back in a relationship is one of the biggest mistakes you can make. Once a child is on the way, it becomes socially and morally unacceptable for partners to walk out. They feel compelled to remain in the relationship, no matter how unhappy they are in it. The saddest part of this is that often times, the stress of bringing up a baby eventually proves too much for the partners and the relationship breaks up regardless – only now an innocent being must bear the brunt of it.

Sometimes too, having a baby is often used to prod an unwilling partner down the aisle. The confusing twist to this is that while s/he may be willing to stay in the relationship and even be a parent, they may not be ready to get married just yet. Societal expectations bear upon the reluctant partner to get married and “do the right thing” by the baby and for the relationship. Now, any marriage which is entered into by compulsion, no matter how noble the reason behind it, usually has very slim chances of happiness, fulfillment or even survival.

It is a huge blunder to believe that having a baby is going to make your partner a new person or have him accept you overnight. Not only is an individual unlikely to alter his/her personality, having a baby for this reason and under such pretensions is extremely unfair on the child who needs people to look after it willingly and with love. This is not to say that having a baby leaves no impression on a person’s mental makeup, only that any change should be motivated from within and not imposed by external circumstances.

No doubt, the worst reason to get pregnant are; doing it to save a relationship or to get the marriage title. In all likelihood, it won't work. If anything, it will only make things worse and painful. It's terribly unfair to the baby you're bringing into the world, and even to the unwilling parent.

I'm always flabbergasted by women who go and get themselves pregnant in the hopes that they will either nail down a husband or keep a man from leaving. If they want to go, they'll go. Plus, a man will get married when a man wants to get married. A baby isn't going to change their minds, ask Leah. If she couldn't succeed in getting her husband to love her after bearing him sons, how much less a man who isn't yet yours?

Let your relationships take their natural course and bloom.

FEELINGS

Every so often when we try to communicate to others what effects their words or deeds have on us, we end by saying “that’s how I feel”. Looking at this from a different perspective lately, it gives the impression that we let what we feel have the final say, we let it be lord over our lives and boss of the people we love. And no doubt, most of the time, that is the case. We go through our daily lives putting our feelings in charge. If we feel good, then it’s gonna be a great day. If we feel terrible, it surely will be a horrible day - for us and everyone we come in contact with.

We should look at our feelings in a different light and put our emotions to their rightful place - bring them under subjection to the will of God and under a choice to be positive because we can be in charge of our feelings. And how selfish our feelings can be, letting us worry mostly about our own comfort, peace and happiness. Rarely putting the feelings of others into consideration, interpreting their words and actions to suit our feelings.

If anything, it is our feelings that make it difficult to obey God’s words. He tells us to love one another, to be merciful, gracious and compassionate (all the time, not when we feel like it). Now, how can we love that friend when we feel that they are being insensitive to our needs? How can we be merciful to that person who constantly makes us “feel” helpless? How can we be gracious to that neighbour when we “feel” like they are taking advantage of us? How can we be compassionate towards someone who lets us feel we shouldn’t get what we ask?

Think about the fruit of the spirit (love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance). While some of it may seem like things we “feel”, they actually require actions. For all it’s worth, our feelings do count – they are just not supposed to be in the forefront. If God has the driver’s seat in our lives and we take the passenger’s seat, then our feelings are left in the backseat.

If we are honest, we’d admit that our feelings are almost always all about us. And in contrast, nothing is all about us at all. Should something go in a way we didn’t expect or should some bad news come, our initial reaction is to act in line with our feelings and that is usually a bad idea and may get us in trouble with our relationships. So, instead, I wait. While your initial feeling may be valid from the onset, you are most likely not going to feel that way after a while. Nine times out of ten, our initial feelings on a situation are self-centred. This is one of the reasons while we cannot act based on how we feel. Take some time to run your feelings through a filter and figure out exactly how you should feel about the situation.

As we go through every day, let us carefully select our feelings and not let them run our lives. We must be in control of how we feel if we want to bloom.